Phantom Vessel, Versions One and Two

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Phantom Vessel - Version One Damaged mind down down phantom vessel distance endless leaping chasm between two worlds no Slow roll left-hand take black marbles shade side glance check Toward Hoarse Jesus whisper Listen No need No need hand hold, right Brother follow heart hearing Jesusss. 10 times Roll away home Phantom Vessel - Version Two His damaged mind so far down down it’s a phantom vessel an impassable chasm between us. Rolling slowly toward me he takes my left hand his black eyes looking side-to-side checking. Turns toward me says “Jesus” in his hoarse whisper. “Listen to me there’s no need for more no need.” Holding my right hand now “Brother follow your heart when it says Jesusss.” He chants “Jesusss” ten times before he’s rolled away, home. Version One is a crude attempt to write in the "pinyin" form of translation of Chinese poetry into English: http://www.chinese-poems.com/bo.html My poem is not based on translation of an actual Chinese poem. It's just an experiment. I very much appreciate the expansion of the categories list, but it neglects to include such possibilities as human, madness, insanity, illness, mental illness and others describing the human condition. "Pain" was as close as I could get to the actual intention of this poem, although it is far from correct.

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Karen Anglesey

Date: 6/10/2013 7:13:00 AM

I agree with Timothy that "after reading Shakespeare one might be lead to think you have to be a literary genius to attempt poetry." This absolutely takes the reader to another realm of feeling the tinge of pain and hoplessness. I was able to discern the 2nd version easier than the first.

Jack Jordan
Date: 6/10/2013 9:31:00 AM

Thanks for reading it. Version One attempted to capture the essence of what was happening, while Version Two had the bonus words, in Timothy's terms. Oh well... It was just an experiment... Jack

Timothy Hicks

Date: 6/9/2013 12:57:00 AM

I believe I enjoyed this piece a lot more after reading the explanation... at first I was hopelessly confused, but now it's coming clear. The encounter is very unsettling... perhaps what's more disturbing is when one gets USED to it all. As far as Chinese go, the problem with it is the fact that English uses a lot of "in between" words to make it seem more flowing. Whereas in Chinese no bonus words are throw in... just the major ones if you know what I mean.

Jack Jordan
Date: 6/9/2013 8:51:00 AM

The breadth of your reading never fails to amaze me. I'm exactly 50 years older than you, and am just now discovering the complexities of language and writing. I appreciate your comments... Jack

Timothy Hicks
Date: 6/9/2013 1:00:00 AM

It's good to experiment cause that's the only way your writings will grow. I've attempted Chinese styled poetry before... it's a fun practice. They view poetry very differently than us Westerners... after reading Shakespeare one might be lead to think you have to be a literary genius to attempt poetry.

Timothy Hicks
Date: 6/9/2013 1:00:00 AM

In China it's embraces the simplicity of everyday wording, an art form anyone can express themselves in. Sorry for the long reply, but I had a lot to say... lol.

Donna Jones

Date: 6/8/2013 6:19:00 PM

Hey Jack...I'm not at all familiar with what you are talking about but the content seems to come from a deep place in you..which makes good poetry...

Jack Jordan
Date: 6/8/2013 9:53:00 PM

The Chinese poetry thing is just an experiment, one of abstraction, like haiku. Regarding content, I do volunteer work at a mental hospital. I've attempted to describe a troubling encounter with a patient earlier this week. I don't think my experiment worked all that well, but it was worth a try.