Englishman, Jackadandy, Spy

He made no move at all As the alarm clock went off. But ten minutes later, It was obvious he was awake. He lifted himself out of bed And went towards the bathroom. He shaved himself With a Gillette Techmatic After having sploshed himself With a double handful Of icy cold water. He washed again, dried his face, Put on some Monsieur de Gauviche And got dressed. He wore a Brutus shirt, A Tonik suit and a pair of Shiny brown boots. He was six foot two, And he smoked sixty Players Medium Navy Cut cigarettes A day, and he lit each one With a Ronson lighter. His name was Titus Hardin, And he had the biggest Wardrobe in London.   He was a fair-haired man And very good-looking. He was thirty two years old And a bachelor, And lived near Richmond, Surrey. He was immaculate, Wore long sideboards And a long moustache, And his hair was shortish And well-combed. His shirt was light blue, And he wore a dark blue tie. He wore two rings on each hand. He washed himself After his usual breakfast Of toast, black coffee and health pills. He cleaned his teeth thoroughly, Put some more cologne on, And then went to do His isometrics. His name was Titus Hardin, And he had the biggest Wardrobe in London.   He was born in London in 1940. He went to Eton and Oxford, Had taught at Oxford for eight years But was sacked. He had been an Oxford Rowing Blue, And got a degree in English, Art and History. His father was Lord Alfred Hardin, M.P. Titus loved teaching, And not many people know the reason For his dismissal at the age of thirty one. He was nearly expelled from Eton For smoking, drinking, And being head of a secret society With secret oaths, but he was Too promising a sportsman, And all the boys respected him As a prefect. He was a fair-haired man And very good-looking. He was thirty two years old And a bachelor, And lived near Richmond, Surrey. His flat was beautifully furnished. His name was Titus Hardin, And he had the biggest wardrobe in London. (This jackadandy's original title was "An Essay Written by a Guy Who Was Too Lazy to Finish It", and it dates from my mid-teens.)