Autumn Atonement - Continued

How we loved the same Foods, had the same dreams, Wanted the same future, longed for the Same life together, loved the same movies And songs and books and colors and clothes And people. How we knew what the other was thinking Without a word being spoken, how I no longer worried about Tomorrows, because I knew there was no day I couldn't get through Without you in my life. How the most amazing times of the day were waking And going to sleep, because I knew for sure that you would be beside me. How your Family felt like mine, and mine felt like yours, and how the happiest times were When all of our kids were together with us, and we felt like it should Be that way, and should've always been that way. How we Hated the same injustices and crimes, and longed For the same peaceful world, and how the joy And ease of our invisible connection was Plainly visible to others, just by the Matching glint and sparkle in Our smiles and eyes. But that sparkle is Gone, with you. Now my Eyes just seep with sadness And emptiness, and that endless flow Mixes with the warm rain pelting my face, and Flows to the ground with the rest of the storm's sodden Emanation. How I wish it would take all that I feel, and all that I long for, and all that I am, WITH it, where it drips from my clothes And feet through the spaces in the deck and runs into the soil, and then makes It's way slowly through the ground into streams and rivers to the ocean, where it becomes Part of the boundless elements of the Earth and Universe. How I wish I was no More than that, the elemental stuff that has no form or life or thoughts Or FEELINGS or ANYthing that has actualization and "Id" and Emotion. But despite the power of all my resolve and Wishful concentration, the wind does NOT pick Me up and carry me off to nothingness, The storm does NOT break me Apart with it's strength and Fierce actualization. My soul is NOT Carried away with my Lachryma to the sea, and the Aching chasm in my being that YOU Occupied is as bottomless and black and Excruciatingly sepulchral as it ever was. It's silent Screams tear away and decorticate the inside of my being, And leave my heart bloody, raw and adamantine. The purity of that Childish wish is not sacred or magical after all, and it seems that my curse Is my SELF, and the undeniable fact that I am a being incarnate, with far more humanness And tangibility and manifestation than can ever be shed by emotion or intent alone. But SOMEthing has changed in me during this little ritual, something has Been purged with this tropical storm's affect on me ... the warm rain And wind lashing my sodden frame, arms still outstretched In mock cruciform, (a selfish irony - my punishment For having loved you). There's an anger that Is gone now, there's a angst and Shame that has been washed Away and offered up. Not anger at you or Us or action or choice or Desire or devotion or passion or Hatred or regret or even LOVE, but anger At ME, for having been such an unmitigated FOOL Again ... for having put my heart up on the chopping block And said, all too willingly, "Do your worst with it" ... I even gave You the axe, keen and precise and warm from the grindstone. I can No longer hold onto that hatred of myself, and this liturgy has pulled that from Within, and taken it without ... for that I am thankful. But am I no more foolish for thinking This rite of anguish would alleviate the sting and torment in my heart? It was foolish And immature, inane and desperate, and it has been time wasted on Something and someONE who doesn't give me so much as a Thought! Never, ever again will I repeat this pointless Act of disconsolation! I am better than this ... I am bigger than this ... and I will NOT be a fool for you any Longer! I ... am ... Very ... done! (Well ... maybe just a while longer).