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All Hat and No Cattle

Roy Jerden Avatar Roy Jerden - LIFETIME Premium Member Roy Jerden - Premium MemberPremium Member Send Soup Mail Go to Poets Blog Block poet from commenting on your poetry

Below is the poem entitled All Hat and No Cattle which was written by poet Roy Jerden. Please feel free to comment on this poem. However, please remember, PoetrySoup is a place of encouragement and growth.

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Poet's Notes

Drugstore Cowboys were what we used to call the townies who liked to play the part of a cowboy by dressing up like one, but never did the hard work required to actually be one. In the old days, they would hang out at the soda fountain in the old time drugstore, hence the name. I'm guessing 90% or more of men wearing Western attire would qualify nowadays. A real cowboy would always remove his hat in the presence of a lady or when indoors and would probably never declare himself to be a cowboy, but rather a hired hand or ranch hand. It's hard, manual work and most of these posers play-acting as cowboys would probably last about as long as Dubya did working on a West Texas oil rig. Dig a mile-long line of post-holes through caliche by hand and you'll get the idea.

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All Hat and No Cattle

They hung around the beer joint with the finest Western wear
With thumbs tucked in their belt loops and such a studly air
But those boots weren't made for stirrups and were polished to a sheen
And on those fancy cowboy hats not a sweat stain could be seen

You could be sure they hadn't spent much time around a branding pot
For the only brands they recognized were ones on stuff they bought
And if they ever passed the time just musing 'bout their spread
I'd be the one around their middle or the one they put on bread

Just a bunch of blowhard braggarts in a cowboy masquerade
But they had the biggest pickup trucks that Detroit ever made
The beds were big and beautiful without a scratch or scuff inside
'Cause the only thing they hauled around was a horse's big backside

As they stood around outside the joint, in a smart-ass state of mind
In pulled an ancient pickup with an old horse trailer hitched behind
The truck an old green Chevy, year 'bout nineteen sixty-nine
With two high wooden sideboards and hay bales bound with twine

Out stepped a skinny hombre, with steel-blue eyes and bandy legs
But he had a rippling six-pack while all the boozers sported kegs
His cowboy hat was sweat-stained, high-heeled boots were dusty gray
He kicked off a chunk of cow pie, then he grabbed a bale of hay

He was mighty parched and dusty, but he wouldn't quench his thirst
'Cause you're not an honest cowboy unless you water horses first
The pack of fools gave out a hoot, yelled "Hey there, Texas Pete!
Get yourself a man-sized truck and take that geezer off the street!"

As he finished with the horses, up walked two ladies smokin' hot
The cowboy promptly doffed his hat, while the posers there did not
The cowboy got a long admiring look and the rounders just a sneer
As the sham was so apparent when a real cowboy was near

They flashed the dusty cowboy a big ol' smile 'bout ten miles wide 
Said "Honey, would a gent like you care to escort us gals inside?"
He winked, then gave the trucks a look and spat a stream of juice
Said, "Boys, y'all's might be bigger, but mine gets a sight more use."

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  1. Date: 6/28/2013 6:29:00 PM

  1. Date: 5/22/2013 6:10:00 AM
    This is really a great for for YOU! I'm fav'ing to the ABC form for the contest..I double checked with the judge on how he accepts the form as being laid out, MY ABC poem starts with R, S, T, U & ends with any letter and was meant to put forth an emotion. Really this is a much less restrained way to do the form it's a bit boring always starting A,B,C,D..aye?Light & Love

  1. Date: 4/3/2013 11:09:00 PM
    Now this is a REAL cowboy poem,Roy: clever, humorous and honest.. Thanks for spinning a great yarn Hugs, SuZ

  1. Date: 3/31/2013 7:20:00 PM
    Roy, the real cowboy doesn't have a lot of time to be pretentious.... What with havin' to take care of 15000 acres of ranch land and keepin' his eyes on those 6 or8 rigs runnin' on his spread... A hard workin' man don't need to show off.... Great write, Roy...... Jake

  1. Date: 3/27/2013 3:38:00 PM
    What a great story teller you are!! loved your twist on the cowboy......they aren't real cowboys until their boots have stepped in manure for many years!! :)

  1. Date: 3/19/2013 10:02:00 AM
    Hi Roy, Great poem, loved reading this, very well done, Thanks for comment left on my effort, Take care Regards Richard. ps; is this for the willd west contest, if so please contact me

    Jerden Avatar Roy Jerden
    Date: 3/21/2013 9:50:00 AM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    Thanks Richard. No, this one's not eligible for that contest, which requires a new poem and free verse format. Real Cowboy poetry should never be free verse anyway.
  1. Date: 3/7/2013 8:10:00 AM
    Roy great cowboy poem...David

  1. Date: 3/4/2013 11:56:00 AM
    Interesting work..Sara

  1. Date: 3/4/2013 8:40:00 AM
    Tremendous write. Loved it. Congrats on the win.

  1. Date: 2/28/2013 3:34:00 PM
    Now how in the heck did I ever manage to overlook this stuff of yours sir?...I'm a transplanted swamp-rat-wanna-be living in South Lousianne but you just can't copy the real thing, huh? (I try though) and yep, big is little if you don't know how to use it...

  1. Date: 2/28/2013 3:12:00 PM
    Congrats, Roy. Outstanding. Nice going. Ralph

  1. Date: 2/28/2013 10:17:00 AM
    Back again to this one---talented write and fun story Roy!

  1. Date: 2/27/2013 10:05:00 PM
    nice winning poem~ PD

  1. Date: 2/27/2013 10:22:00 AM
    Love that last line it s a stunner Roy , the whole thing is very enjoyable xx

  1. Date: 2/22/2013 10:45:00 PM
    I especially like the end. I agree that cowboyin' is a lot of work and hard on stuff. I can't belive how much that wannabe stuff costs; they'd be afraid to get dust on it. Great job penning this poem.

  1. Date: 2/22/2013 6:13:00 AM
    Really enjoyed your poetic style and the story! Thanks for hosting the contest, I really enjoyed the form.

  1. Date: 2/18/2013 1:15:00 PM
    Oh my gosh...I lived every second of this!!! Wonderful

  1. Date: 2/17/2013 11:20:00 AM
    Roy well done I like it...David