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Best Humorous Poems

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Details | Humorous Poem | |

CAS TIM JAN AND ME

You have all heard I am sure of the three musketeers
The group with the swords not the ones with the funny ears

Reminds me of a joke that right here would apply
There are three kinds of people I tell you no lie
Those who are really quite good at math
And those who are not and that's that

They were the three musketeers but they were four
Their math was bad not three, four and no more
I hope you're all still with me, I'm not trying to be a pest
I need you to follow me because at the end there's a test

There is Casarah 
Yeah and hurrah
She's a good ma

Then there is Tim
You should know him
He's tall and trim

And  finally there is the kind hearted Jan
From England she's the one with no tan
Coy and demure behind her fancy fan
 
 If you kept count that makes three
Who can argue. You'd have to agree.
Now we have arrived at what I am trying to say
I've just joined them and I quite enjoy sword play

Do you see? I am number four.
I'll just walk through their door.
That makes me the best, the fillet mignon
It turns  out that I am frikin'  D'Artagnan.

Details | Humorous Poem | |

To all the heart-breakers- -a ZOMBIE valentine poem-

Wouldn't you rather~

Wouldn't you rather~ be dead?
Maybe shoot yourself in the head?
Over my dead body, I would never want to be a zombie like you.
The sight of your limbs are rotten all the time.
Sorry that the sight of you looks like a 3 legged swine.
So go ahead and do us a all favor, 
hide and stash yourself away from all your neighbor. 
I think i'd rather have my eyes stuck with glue
So I won't have to look at you
When it comes to family friends, you ain't got none.
Your always gonna be called the lonely retarded one.
Who could ever love a face like yours.
not even your mother can see pass your gore's 
No need for privacy when you pee
Go ahead and take a leak and drown yourself in the sea.
Don't think for one second you are irresistible 
Love making with a zombie is impossible.

Wouldn't you rather be dead?
maybe shoot yourself in the head

The time to kill yourself is at hand.
Slicing your wrist is what we recommend.  
Cut off your tongue, don't want to hear you squeal.   
Blood all over, your face is no big deal
A sword or machete will only pick up the pace
I wanna see your guts pop out your mid-waist 
Contaminated objects is a must
Anything to remove your face of disgust.
The easy part is the best
Once you are gone we will all feel blessed,
The flaw of your existence  
Is what keeps us all in distance 

Wouldn't you rather be dead?
maybe shoot yourself in the head

Close your eyes and die
No one wants to hear you cry
You said you wanted to be loved
believe me~ your better off unloved
I say go do yourself off
Anyways you've always had it rough...
Go ahead and scream
This is not a dream
Now see how you make me feel
All I want is for you to end your ugly ordeal.
I will praise this day of course
Knowing soon you'll be a rotting corpse.

happy valentine ~ TO: All My DEADBEAT X-es from Texas..

Details | Humorous Poem | |

AND THEN I KISSED HIM - COLLABORATION WITH TIM SMITH

Hot date
Can’t wait

We're at
My flat

Cute eyes
Nice thighs

Admit
She’s fit

So sweet
Must eat

We dine
Sublime

First Kiss
Sheer bliss

Soft peck
On neck

Tongue's twirl
Toes curl

First base
Hearts race

Undressed
Bare breast

Blimey
She’s ‘HE’

No joy
Ladyboy

Fussy
Pussy

Night ends
As friends

Written by Jan Allison & Tim Smith
28th August 2014

Details | Humorous Poem | |

Heartache-Collaboration With Jan Allison

You leave
I grieve

Your lies
My cries

I’m sad
Feel bad
 
Sex bomb
With Tom

Fat git
The sh*t

He’s rank
Feet stank
 
Bad lay
He’s gay!

Huge butt
Cheap slu*

Good bye 
You're sly

You stray
I pay

cat stink
no drink

new chick
cut di**

no wife
sad life

Details | Humorous Poem | |

Jan The Footle Queen-Collaboration

There's a green eyed lady we have seen
She gives to all hugs, smiles and love
Her footle  rhymes soar high above
I nominate her the official footle queen

Funny 
Hunny 


Goddess 
No less 


Witty 
Bitty 

Our queen 
Obscene

My dear 
I hear 

Flirty 
Dirty 

(mistake 
I make) 
Cassie's 
Sassy
 
Demand 
Not Jan 

We'll meet 
Retreat 

Some fun 
Rerun 

Rewind 
Til blind 

Her smile
Worthwhile

Big heart
Does fart

Blunder
Wonder

Our Jan
Big fan 


Collaboration with Casarah Nance


Details | Humorous Poem | |

The King of Sanctimonious

The King of Sanctimonious
Perched high upon his throne-ious
Clothed in purple pious-ness
Admired his own self-righteous-ness

The Queen of Sanctimonious
Tired of the King's baloney-ous
When he counts his hoards of money
To him, sweeter than his honey

In a court that wasn't courteous
The Queen cried, "you're oblivious!"
But he wasn't aware, nor did he care
He'd become a Royal hypocrite

Day after day, he counted each coin
The ritual put a flutter in his groin
Reveling in his Royal room
Soon became his tomb of gloom

The Royal epitaph was no baloney-ous
When the king was found
 'Tis said he drowned
In a fermented bottle of loneliness



Details | Humorous Poem | |

WELL I DECLARE

His wife said she’d got a new house pet He'd not seen her smile like this in years When she showed him she’d bought a ‘rabbit’ He'd expected one with floppy ears! 09~02~14 Contest: Well I declare! Sponsor: Judy Konos

Details | Humorous Poem | |

If You Lose Your Twit A Woo

Well known to all is a little dame called Jan When it comes to cures she’ no flash in the pan An expert with owls and missing Twit a woos She offers us advise a little vino, you can’t lose She tried it on Tim who had lost his twit a woo Hurrah for him now he twit a woos right on cue Course we all know that wine can give you a buzz But he Owlie Hoots quiet perky, as ever there was Jan my friend I think I have lost my coochie coo The last time I have seen it was visiting the loo Can you ship me a case, no I’m not a big lush I’ll sip it slow, so I won’t get a twit woo rush Owls are cute, of this matter no one can refute But so is a perky twit a woo, Yup! It’s a Beaut! HOOT HOOT xxx

Details | Humorous Poem | |

Maybe You'll Laugh

NEED

I need you like I need air
Close my eyes, your face I see
An unexplained obsession
Infatuation

__________________________________

GET ON LINE

Long distance relationships
Test the limits of the mind
When bodies can't touch in person
Thank God for web cams

________________________________

SHOOT IT

An arrow to the bullseye
A basketball to the hoop
Whichever game you're playing
Give it your best shot
________________________________


PERFECT

I jiggle when I wiggle
I got some bounce to my ounce
Having sex is not sexy
Porn is deceiving

______________________________

THREESOME

If I could have some ice cream
With a piece of chocolate cake
Cover it with caramel
The perfect threesome.

__________________________________________

09-08-2014

Details | Humorous Poem | |

Horse From Mars

HORSE FROM MARS

It came from the sky, a gray silver stallion.
I looked up high, and I have also seen a dragon.

With so many things in this universe.
I'm on stand-by with a camera in my purse. 

Who would have known I'd be the first to spot a PEGASUS.
The town folks wave hi every time I walk my hippopotamus.

I enjoy showing everyone, my pictures of a flying horse.
I don't see why they call a DOCTOR every time I call the TASK FORCE

I think they are jealous over all the things I've seen.
They act all crazy since I sighted a LEPRECHAUN when I was fourteen.

No one ever believed me when I saw an army of dragonflies.
They have a name for me "the boy who See's too much in the skies!"

I don't know why they can't see what I see.
For all I know they are all experiments under Alien Technology.

They don't believe me how I got this magic MEDALLION.
It was a friendly gift from the silver stallion.

I also have many pictures of a  UNICORN.
We became best-friends when he gave me a piece of its magic horn.

We sat together while he drank from the lake.
We enjoyed talking, --talking about how U.F.O.'s are fake.

Why can't they see? The day I fell off a boat, I got rescued by a MERMAID!
Who would have known a mermaid swim around with first-aid.

I also remember the day I followed a LEPRECHAUNS.
We were playing under the rainbow having so much fun.

When I told my doctor about all the things I've seen.
He locked me in a DUNGEON, thinking I was the ALIEN QUEEN.

I begged and I told him I don't believe in any type of alien.
Too bad the master of this dungeon came from another region.

In a way he looks like that one SILVER STALLION from Mars.
The first creature I'd seen the day I fell off the monkey bars.

I have this picture of this horse of course.
JUST help me out of this white-jacket!!! ;-)
If you want to see the coolest picture of a flying horse. 

   ~SKAT~
       &
(A small collaboration with: B-Boy)

re-post for ~FUNNY CONTEST

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