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Best Humorous Poems

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Details | Humorous Poem | |

POOR PETER PUMPKIN

Poor Peter Pumpkin had a very itty bitty head.
So the farmer made him stay inside the garden bed.

The farmer said that he was going to keep him warm with hay.
And there the itty bitty pumpkin stayed for many a day.

Finally, the farmer came to check upon poor Peter,
measured him and then exclaimed, “You’ve grown an extra meter!

I think it’s time for you to finally go and face the world.”
Peter got up from his bed. He twirled and twirled and twirled!

“My,” the farmer shouted, “You’ve grown two legs with feet!
You’re a special pumpkin. My daughters you must meet!”

Poor Peter heaved his hefty bulk, waddling away,
following behind the farmer so he would not stray.

They traveled rather quickly, and soon they reached the house.
The daughters saw the pumpkin and grew quiet as a mouse.

The silence lasted just until at last one daughter spoke,
“A pumpkin with two legs? Is this some kind of joke?”

Her father knelt beside her and whispered in her ear,
“Do not be afraid, my child. You’ve not a thing to fear.

We can carve a lantern. It will be your Halloween treat.
Then we can make lots of pumpkin pies for us to eat."

Peter trembled with a chill to hear their horrid plan.
Jumping out the door, he yelled, “Catch me if you can!”

He ran into the pastures. Then he tumbled down a hill.
As  he rolled he bumped into the couple, Jack and Jill!

“Oh dear me,” cried Peter, “I do not wish to be
a lantern for this Halloween. Please, can you guys help me!”

Jack and Jill then led him to the land of Nursery Rhymes.
His sad fate has now been told to children many times.

For he ran across a man named Peter Pumpkin EATER.
Maybe you can guess now what became of our poor Peter!

10~12~14
Contest: Halloween Co-Writes
Sponsor: Diane Locksley
Written By Jan Allison & Andrea Dietrich
~awarded 1st place~

Details | Humorous Poem | |

To all the heart-breakers- -a ZOMBIE valentine poem-

Wouldn't you rather~

Wouldn't you rather~ be dead?
Maybe shoot yourself in the head?
Over my dead body, I would never want to be a zombie like you.
The sight of your limbs are rotten all the time.
Sorry that the sight of you looks like a 3 legged swine.
So go ahead and do us a all favor, 
hide and stash yourself away from all your neighbor. 
I think i'd rather have my eyes stuck with glue
So I won't have to look at you
When it comes to family friends, you ain't got none.
Your always gonna be called the lonely retarded one.
Who could ever love a face like yours.
not even your mother can see pass your gore's 
No need for privacy when you pee
Go ahead and take a leak and drown yourself in the sea.
Don't think for one second you are irresistible 
Love making with a zombie is impossible.

Wouldn't you rather be dead?
maybe shoot yourself in the head

The time to kill yourself is at hand.
Slicing your wrist is what we recommend.  
Cut off your tongue, don't want to hear you squeal.   
Blood all over, your face is no big deal
A sword or machete will only pick up the pace
I wanna see your guts pop out your mid-waist 
Contaminated objects is a must
Anything to remove your face of disgust.
The easy part is the best
Once you are gone we will all feel blessed,
The flaw of your existence  
Is what keeps us all in distance 

Wouldn't you rather be dead?
maybe shoot yourself in the head

Close your eyes and die
No one wants to hear you cry
You said you wanted to be loved
believe me~ your better off unloved
I say go do yourself off
Anyways you've always had it rough...
Go ahead and scream
This is not a dream
Now see how you make me feel
All I want is for you to end your ugly ordeal.
I will praise this day of course
Knowing soon you'll be a rotting corpse.

happy valentine ~ TO: All My DEADBEAT X-es from Texas..

Details | Humorous Poem | |

Cas Tim Jan And Me

You have all heard I am sure of the three musketeers
The group with the swords not the ones with the funny ears

Reminds me of a joke that right here would apply
There are three kinds of people I tell you no lie
Those who are really quite good at math
And those who are not and that's that

They were the three musketeers but they were four
Their math was bad not three, four and no more
I hope you're all still with me, I'm not trying to be a pest
I need you to follow me because at the end there's a test

There is Casarah 
Yeah and hurrah
She is a good ma

Then there is Tim
You should know him
He's tall and trim

And  finally there is the kind hearted Jan
From England she's the one with no tan
Coy and demure behind her fancy fan
 
 If you kept count that makes three
Who can argue. You'd have to agree.
Now we have arrived at what I am trying to say
I've just joined them and I quite enjoy sword play

Do you see? I am number four.
I'll just walk through their door.
That makes me the best, the fillet mignon
It turns  out that I am frikin'  D'Artagnan.

Details | Humorous Poem | |

IT'S NOT QUITE SHAKESPEARE

Tubby or not tubby fat is the question! Jan Allison 21st November 2014

Details | Humorous Poem | |

Zuzuni on the badlands

Zuzuni on the badlands

Montana's muddy badlands spread for thirty seven miles
along a cleft of sandstone bed, eroded years before; 
the chestnut paced upon the bare of grass and well worn aisles
and I wore two new Navy Colts, of gauging forty four
beneath the noon light that defines but also eyes beguiles.

An anchorite, some years ago, upon the ridge of Grapes
where monasteries in the clouds are reaching out to God, 
I learned to draw and shoot amidst the fog's white waving drapes
and prayed til the time was ripe t' abandon this abode, 
cause solitude was molding deeds, constringing, thus, escapes.

I saw them waiting on the trail; three bandits stood apart: 
Coyote Chit, Cheesecake Labif and Mambo-Jumbo Crock
with cross-tied low their pistols stood, assumptive and upstart
bemocking fools who patented their e'er noetic block
that teachers, tho', could not explain; not even wise Descartes! 

My shots intended at their guns, the hoisted hammers broke;
I ordered them to start the dance that turns the clouds to rain
the land was in compelling need, as turf and plants evoked
the sympathy of Heavens that magnanimous ordained
the good ol' boys (and volunteers) to dance the rain's refrain.

Coyote was allowed to dance a prominent gavotte
meanwhile Labif's romantic soul preferred a marigold
but Crock's mazurka had untied the nimbus' Gordian knot
and rain began to pour upon those who the skies extolled
heroic men were meant to be, defining, thus, a blot.

Zuzuni, the Algonquin chief, had noticed this ordeal
and marveled at the outlaws forms, that caused the skies to rain
in order so, to buy the fools he offered a good deal
fourteen strong horses for each man, who danced to ascertain
that rains returned upon the slopes and also on the plains.

© 2014-10-15, G. Venetopoulos, All Rights Reserved
(Iambic heptameter)

Contest Name: Sketch a Character
Sponsor: Gautami Phookan
Deadline: 11/17/2014


Details | Humorous Poem | |

AND THEN I KISSED HIM - COLLABORATION WITH TIM SMITH

Hot date
Can’t wait

We're at
My flat

Cute eyes
Nice thighs

Admit
She’s fit

So sweet
Must eat

We dine
Sublime

First Kiss
Sheer bliss

Soft peck
On neck

Tongue's twirl
Toes curl

First base
Hearts race

Undressed
Bare breast

Blimey
She’s ‘HE’

No joy
Ladyboy

Fussy
Pussy

Night ends
As friends

Written by Jan Allison & Tim Smith
28th August 2014

Details | Humorous Poem | |

Heartache-Collaboration With Jan Allison

You leave
I grieve

Your lies
My cries

I’m sad
Feel bad
 
Sex bomb
With Tom

Fat git
The sh*t

He’s rank
Feet stank
 
Bad lay
He’s gay!

Huge butt
Cheap slu*

Good bye 
You're sly

You stray
I pay

cat stink
no drink

new chick
cut di**

no wife
sad life

Details | Humorous Poem | |

If You Lose Your Twit A Woo

Well known to all is a little dame called Jan When it comes to cures she’ no flash in the pan An expert with owls and missing Twit a woos She offers us advise a little vino, you can’t lose She tried it on Tim who had lost his twit a woo Hurrah for him now he twit a woos right on cue Course we all know that wine can give you a buzz But he Owlie Hoots quiet perky, as ever there was Jan my friend I think I have lost my coochie coo The last time I have seen it was visiting the loo Can you ship me a case, no I’m not a big lush I’ll sip it slow, so I won’t get a twit woo rush Owls are cute, of this matter no one can refute But so is a perky twit a woo, Yup! It’s a Beaut! HOOT HOOT xxx

Details | Humorous Poem | |

Jan The Footle Queen-Collaboration

There's a green eyed lady we have seen
She gives to all hugs, smiles and love
Her footle  rhymes soar high above
I nominate her the official footle queen

Funny 
Hunny 


Goddess 
No less 


Witty 
Bitty 

Our queen 
Obscene

My dear 
I hear 

Flirty 
Dirty 

(mistake 
I make) 
Cassie's 
Sassy
 
Demand 
Not Jan 

We'll meet 
Retreat 

Some fun 
Rerun 

Rewind 
Til blind 

Her smile
Worthwhile

Big heart
Does fart

Blunder
Wonder

Our Jan
Big fan 


Collaboration with Casarah Nance


Details | Humorous Poem | |

The King of Sanctimonious

The King of Sanctimonious
Perched high upon his throne-ious
Clothed in purple pious-ness
Admired his own self-righteous-ness

The Queen of Sanctimonious
Tired of the King's baloney-ous
When he counts his hoards of money
To him, sweeter than his honey

In a court that wasn't courteous
The Queen cried, "you're oblivious!"
But he wasn't aware, nor did he care
He'd become a Royal hypocrite

Day after day, he counted each coin
The ritual put a flutter in his groin
Reveling in his Royal room
Soon became his tomb of gloom

The Royal epitaph was no baloney-ous
When the king was found
 'Tis said he drowned
In a fermented bottle of loneliness



Details | Humorous Poem | |

Our Christmas Eve Dinner

'Twas our Christmas Eve dinner; we all had sat down at the table to eat. Grandma couldn’t be found! We children were fussing; Dad rose to his feet. shouting, “Where are you, Ma? We’re ready to eat!” When from the next room we heard such a noise Jenny squealed, “Santa Claus must have brought toys!” We then heard a sound like a whimpering pup saying, “Help. I’ve fallen and cannot get up.” Grandpa jumped up and then rushed to the door that led to the bathroom. There on the floor lay our poor grandma, eyes widened in fear, looking like she’d got run over by reindeer! The dresser had fallen. It had her pinned down. Grandma was wildly flailing around. More swiftly than Rudolph, we did all we were able. We unpinned her. Then Mom yelled, “Back to the table!” Back to the dining room all we kids came As our mom started to call us by name. “Davy, Mel, Jenny, Angie, Marie. . . Get back here now. I’m counting to three!” Like animals not having eaten all day, stuck in a cage without getting their way, we sat at that table our bellies all growling, and Davy, the baby, by now was howling. And then finally what did appear? Dad with our grandpa and grandma so dear! Supported by both our grandpa and dad, Grandma was flushed and looking quite bad. She was dressed in a housecoat trimmed in white lace and a big purple bruise had now formed on her face. Mom pulled out a chair helping Grandma to sit, and then our dad bellowed, “OK, have at it!” Our mouths how they watered to see the large ham. “And that isn’t all,” said Mom, “I made lamb!” Her small pretty mouth was turned up in a grin, “The food’s getting cold now. Children, dig in.” Our dad how he laughed as he poured lots of gravy onto his potatoes and kidded with Davy. And Grandma sat smiling despite her great fall while Grandpa gulped spiked nog, not talking at all. With eyes that seemed bigger than my own belly, I dished out big spoonfuls of cranberry jelly. Mom winked and I knew I had nothing to dread. Her pleasure was in us all being well fed. I went straight to work at stuffing my face when suddenly Mom said, “We didn’t say grace!” We closed our eyes listening to our dad’s prayer. I peeked but was met by my mom’s warning stare! Dad finished the prayer with a hearty Amen. Then we were all grabbing Mom’s fixings again. When the food had all vanished and our stomachs hurt, we heard Dad exclaim, “So what’s for dessert?” For the Children's Christmas or Holiday Tale - Poetry Contest of Carol Eastman

Details | Humorous Poem | |

Gigi

Gigi

You question duskiness "Whereas he be?"
Be careful pal; he hides behind the tree!
Inside the sneaky shades he aptly lurks
because you've drunk too many Cuty Sarks.

You, silly chump! You're shaking on your feet;
Contele Dracula* and tough tidbit
exists inside your foolishness' resource
and punishes your wrongs without remorse.

Excess in drinking could be bad for you;
tis not that you'll become a drunk boo-hoo
but he'll metamorphose to baseball bat
and if you drink again, he'll kick your butt.

I know you're stupefied and very scared
cause Gigi hides in pizza boxes where'd
jump up, if thee besotted be and fool,
and then consume your pizza, super-cool.

Admit it, dude! You're shivering in fear!
But if you prayed he would disappear,
expect him to start dancing everywhere-s,
and jingle, so, his spurs upon your stairs.

Ha ha! Hill Billy, you! Outside your house,
behind the pumpkins, sound the irked meows:
bewildered Gigi cats will jump ahead,
inside your car and on your empty head.

You should, thus, paint your house pistachi'o green
cause if you stall before your PC screen
he'll haunt the lines of your poetic calls
and bats will eat your order of spring rolls.

© 10-02-2014, G. Phookan, G. Venetopoulos, All Rights Reserved
(Iambic Pentameter) 
* Contele Dracula = Count Dracula in Romanian




Details | Humorous Poem | |

An Unusual Colonoscopy

I stepped in for my first colonoscopy. I was nervous everyone could see
I had a choice to be awake or put out if I was skittish...but no not me

I chose the former so I could watch my own ass on TV
They go right up your canal with a camera like an RV

Imagine my surprise when up my butt they found my phone
The tiny ones they use to make before the smart cell phone

But here's the clincher it was set on vibrate. The doc was suspicious
"My wife insisted" I told him "she bribed me with cake. It was delicious"

Then the doctor red faced handed me something, said "what's this"
I borrowed his bifocals. It was a rolled up playbill. He looked pissed.

"I can explain. It's dated Sep. 8, 2001. That's my wife's 40th birthday
We were drinking. We lost it, got a fancy room right after the play"

He handed me one more thing, a broken pencil if you will
"I'm a mathematician. I was constipated I took a special pill

Then I used math to work it out with a pencil. This one I suppose 
It broke. I thought I got it all. I guess I didn't. I mean who knows?"

The good news is the test went well my colon was clear
They found nothing threatening just stuff that was queer

I must admit however ever since that very day I live in absolute fear
That doctor knows my wife's father. I tell  you this, in case I disappear



10/02/2014

Details | Humorous Poem | |

BEACH FOOTLES COLLABORATION

Hot sun What fun Soft sand How grand Blue sea For me High tide Surf side Beach babe In shade Undress Top less No finds Tan lines Swim suit… pursuit He sports Tight shorts Romance? No chance Jan Allison Casarah Nance 1st December 2014

Details | Humorous Poem | |

WELL I DECLARE

His wife said she’d got a new house pet He'd not seen her smile like this in years When she showed him she’d bought a ‘rabbit’ He'd expected one with floppy ears! 09~02~14 Contest: Well I declare! Sponsor: Judy Konos

Details | Humorous Poem | |

This Is Jack

Yesterday I saw a very creepy mouse, Sneaking right through my front door, He was wearing tails and a top black hat And dragging a large suitcase too When he saw me, he run inside, And past me he sped so fast, Into the kitchen he went in, To a tiny hole, with suitcase and all I tried everything, to flushed him out, From the hole just as fast. I played him music extremely loud; And even called him on his cell phone So I ordered him some cheese pizza, Provolone and jack cheese by the pound, And placed it close, for him to come out and eat, But...he grabbed with him in a flash An email he sent me later on, In which this certain note,to me he wrote: "This's Jack,thank you,for giving me more food, Now I can stay with you, for another three years. Dorian Petersen Potter aka ladydp2000 copyright@2005 October,19,2014

Details | Humorous Poem | |

Maybe You'll Laugh

NEED

I need you like I need air
Close my eyes, your face I see
An unexplained obsession
Infatuation

__________________________________

GET ON LINE

Long distance relationships
Test the limits of the mind
When bodies can't touch in person
Thank God for web cams

________________________________

SHOOT IT

An arrow to the bullseye
A basketball to the hoop
Whichever game you're playing
Give it your best shot
________________________________


PERFECT

I jiggle when I wiggle
I got some bounce to my ounce
Having sex is not sexy
Porn is deceiving

______________________________

THREESOME

If I could have some ice cream
With a piece of chocolate cake
Cover it with caramel
The perfect threesome.

__________________________________________

09-08-2014

Details | Humorous Poem | |

Chopped III - Humor

i narrate me own story in a fake english accent. the bloody typewriter is 
broken, it can't capitalize. i'm out of coins for the heater. i can see me own 
breath. it must be really bad . it's summer here in london. i'm a tough guy who 
carries a gun. don't mean i don't want to look good. i freshen up my lipstick,
light up a cigarette and offer one to my secretary. she is hot really hot.
like i said it's summer. she don't wear lipstick it wouldn't help. in the 
encyclopedia under the word butch is her picture. 

i put out my cig in an ashtray overflowin. i'd tell her to empty it but she scares me. 
she only wears one gold earring. who does that? i'm workin on a case, already 
drank half the beers. by the way i'm a dick a private dick. the name is rock,
rock hard. there's a knock at the door. this could be bad she has two fourty fives, 
she's also got a gun. 

she's holding an airline ticket. no reason. she says she just likes it. 
whatever! maybe it has to do with some kind of contest. 
she says we're going for a ride. we are driving when she gets a flat.

i pump she pumps then we get out  of the car and fix the flat. never liked 
cars, horses are more convenient. less breakdowns. she takes us to a 
party everyone is jumpin for joy, so joy gets up and leaves. bet you wish 
this was going somewhere. it's not. like i said i'm a dick.


11~28~2014
Contest: Chopped III
Sponsor: craig cornish

Details | Humorous Poem | |

Horse From Mars

HORSE FROM MARS

It came from the sky, a gray silver stallion.
I looked up high, and I have also seen a dragon.

With so many things in this universe.
I'm on stand-by with a camera in my purse. 

Who would have known I'd be the first to spot a PEGASUS.
The town folks wave hi every time I walk my hippopotamus.

I enjoy showing everyone, my pictures of a flying horse.
I don't see why they call a DOCTOR every time I call the TASK FORCE

I think they are jealous over all the things I've seen.
They act all crazy since I sighted a LEPRECHAUN when I was fourteen.

No one ever believed me when I saw an army of dragonflies.
They have a name for me "the boy who See's too much in the skies!"

I don't know why they can't see what I see.
For all I know they are all experiments under Alien Technology.

They don't believe me how I got this magic MEDALLION.
It was a friendly gift from the silver stallion.

I also have many pictures of a  UNICORN.
We became best-friends when he gave me a piece of its magic horn.

We sat together while he drank from the lake.
We enjoyed talking, --talking about how U.F.O.'s are fake.

Why can't they see? The day I fell off a boat, I got rescued by a MERMAID!
Who would have known a mermaid swim around with first-aid.

I also remember the day I followed a LEPRECHAUNS.
We were playing under the rainbow having so much fun.

When I told my doctor about all the things I've seen.
He locked me in a DUNGEON, thinking I was the ALIEN QUEEN.

I begged and I told him I don't believe in any type of alien.
Too bad the master of this dungeon came from another region.

In a way he looks like that one SILVER STALLION from Mars.
The first creature I'd seen the day I fell off the monkey bars.

I have this picture of this horse of course.
JUST help me out of this white-jacket!!! ;-)
If you want to see the coolest picture of a flying horse. 

   ~SKAT~
       &
(A small collaboration with: B-Boy)

re-post for ~FUNNY CONTEST

Details | Humorous Poem | |

Ice Cube Pie

I always wanted two slices of ice cube pie
“You only get one”, was the standard reply.
I don’t know why I did
But since I was a kid
It was my favorite treat on the Fourth of July.

The pastry is known by all our relations
Since the recipe’s passed down for generations.
Every bite you’ll savoir
Exceptional flavor
But remember, don’t settle for imitations

Long ago, my great Aunt tried experiments
By leaving out one of the ingredients.
Once Uncle took a bite 
He stared out in fright
And barely survived that bad experience.

My oldest son, Johnny became quite wise
He grew up like the others, before our eyes.
His passion for confection
Was a gainful connection
When he opened the first ice cube pie franchise.

Soon after that, we made our first million
And played in the sun with friendly Brazilians.
But to our surprise
We saw ice cube pies
On bamboo platters next to our pavilion

Right away we knew this was an infraction
Without delay our family took action.
We found a private eye
Who loved our ice pie
But his research left him broken in traction.

It was apparent to us that that kind of job
Was endorsed by the brutal ice cube pie mob.
But we didn’t frown
Or give up and back down
We were going to prevail; oh, yes siree, Bob!

With a meeting of minds we gathered resources
And then undersigned the following courses.
To make sure our ices
Sold at cut-rate prices
To knock competition off its high horses.

So back at the shop we assembled platoons
To build enough pies to reach to the moons.
And made plenty dough
That allowed us to mow
Down the cube racket’s, knuckle dragging goons.

We now manage an ice cube pie monopoly
Sales started smooth, but then turned choppily.
So we eased the frustration
With another vacation
But guess what we saw in downtown Mexicali?!



Details | Humorous Poem | |

HOSTILE HEAD TAKEOVER PART 1

I'm near cuckoo
This Monday blue
A day not eas'ly recommended
for making sense
I'm way too tense
And hung-over to comprehend it
 
My mind's on the bend
my imaginary friends
are threatening to abandon en masse
I was perfectly sane
till they pissed in my brain
negotiations are at an impasse
 
It pains me to mention
the bone of contention
menacing our peaceful existence
my voices of own creation
went above their station
with mutinous and unfair persistence

Old Mother Hubbard
had sneaked to the cupboard
to steal skeleton bones for her yapper
the skeletons in-wait
welcomed their bait
with little resistance managed to trap her
 
As to why she'd no clue
their demands were few
and until met they'd keep her as hostage
twixt two skeletons squeezed
the hag was well-pleased
only in dreams she was ever in bondage
 
The skeletons vacated
on their long-awaited
crusade for their rights to be equal
a sudden scurry in my head
when the voices I have bred
became hushed, which was rather unusual
 
The spokes-skeleton
passed a colorless wind
voiced their single demand:  to remain
"We were made to vanish
to a dark cupboard banished
we demand henceforth to share your domain."
 
A resounding "No!
You'll stay down below
we're totaling 20, including the yapper
there's hardly space
the din to embrace
and an hour-long queue to the crapper."
 
"Then the beldam Hubbard
will remain in the cupboard
lore would have it, bare to the bone
the cupboard, that is
not the hag, whose Maltese
diced up raw will be fed to the crone.

We implore you most
kindly engage our host
in negotiations and if necessary plead
we want into his brain
and share your domain
or prepare for a skeleton stampede."


PART 2 TO FOLLOW.  THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE, AS I'M LOCKED IN HOSTILE NEGOTIATIONS
 


Details | Humorous Poem | |

THANK GOODNESS IT'S ONLY ONCE A YEAR

Turkey so dry that I can’t speak Brussel sprouts boiled for a week Roast potatoes burnt to a crisp Lumpy gravy I feel Sick Jan Allison 26th October Inspired by Andrea’s contest but not written for it!

Details | Humorous Poem | |

elegant giraffes


He wondered if his verse was made for fools
and cretins that splish-splash alongside whales
composing dull sonnets was chased by bulls 
- by elegant giraffes and racing snails.

Amid the chickens in his country cot,
while gulping bourbon the pig-farmer writes
his scribble verse turns to an artless blot
and straight he gulps one more for his insights

Oh, detrimental muse of his confused,
absconding inspiration that evades
his talent which was alcohol-abused,
and like the content of each bottle, fades:

......Inspiring advent of a healthy burp
made pigs and chickens to comment "superb"!

© G. V. 06-27-2013 All rights reserved

Sponsor: Judy Konos
Contest Name: The Lazy Contest

Details | Humorous Poem | |

The Cuddling Cricket

It’s not enough to have a Dragon plus his penguins and pigeons, too?
Darn it! I had a limit, until a cute Cuddling Cricket found my shoe.
He was just a little baby, who saw the pigeons and decided to hide.
Now, he won’t let go of my pants leg; he’s definitely along for the ride.

The first time I saw him, I Eeekk’ed and I jumped, yep, about to pounce.
But at my response he sighed, and slumped, and he began to cry, at once!
At first I couldn’t believe it, so I pulled out my magnifying glass.
What I found were soulful eyes, and a face, so very cute, but sad.

So now when I stand, A Cuddling Cricket, comes along for the ride.
Yeah, he’s now part of the family… Well, of course! Sigh! I replied…
He sleeps in a cute little plastic bug box, with a matchbox for a bed.
But it’s hard to explain, to others found, in my life, which have fled.

I bring a magnifying glass, so they can see him bow so proper and nice.
But carrying my Cuddling Cricket around, does have a certain price!
Food stores aren’t very understanding, and restaurants, Not At All! Truly!
But the paparazzi seem to understand a Cuddling Cricket, completely!

He does have his own type of novelty as he carries around his blankie!
And he’s just a baby, who needs a Mom, and of course, his little binkie!
Honestly, I’m not kidding! There’ve been a few, strange turns, in my life.
But, if I have Trolls and Dragon, then a Cuddling Cricket seems, so right!

Details | Humorous Poem | |

Adults Only A Sexy Write Just To Make Jan Laugh


I am dating a young woman and we are deeply in love. However, no matter what I do sexually, she never achieves orgasm so we decided to ask a sex therapist for advice. The therapist listened to our story and suggested the following; 

"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm." 

We went home and followed the therapist's advice. We hired a handsome young man and he stripped off and enthusiastically waved a towel over us both as we made love. But it didn't help and still my lover was unsatisfied and frustrated. 

Perplexed, we went back to the therapist "Okay" he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." 

Once again, we followed the advice. The young man got into bed with my lover and I waved the towel. The young man really worked with great enthusiasm and my lover soon had an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, orgasm. 

Smiling, I dropped the towel, tapped the young man on the shoulder and said to him triumphantly...."NOW THAT'S how you wave a towel, son!!"

03~12~2014 dadickerector