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A Soldier's Elegy

A kestrel dips into an updraft thinking he knows the world tranquility gurgles through silent valleys over mountains around the earth refracted through the wind The creature soars ever higher in great swoops and dives the horizon curves as it eludes vision the stars pulse their siren but thrill denies adrenaline overrules their ambient warning Gust to gust each fades quicker than the last whispers carry the weight of wings and their soulful song breaches sanity prayers of rightful good where petty purple banners crest twinkling hearts The last thermal ridden last lyric dies as flight’s drone fades upturned wings alone the sky empty oblivion as the sun aligns its beady eye to the looping path of the bird Two brittle forms grapple in light which blots out the senses and protects what can never be touched divine oblivion smites the naive bird an archangel buried in a crypt six feet deep.

Copyright © | Year Posted 2015




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Date: 5/14/2015 7:49:00 PM
Nice win Avery. LINDA
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Avery Swarthout
Date: 5/18/2015 12:49:00 PM
Thanks!
Date: 5/14/2015 5:27:00 PM
Avery, congrats on your Screwed III win. SKAT
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Avery Swarthout
Date: 5/18/2015 12:48:00 PM
Thanks a ton!
Date: 5/13/2015 9:15:00 AM
such beautiful imagery congrats on your win:-) Hugs Jan xx
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Avery Swarthout
Date: 5/13/2015 10:02:00 AM
Thanks so much! It means a lot! hugs Avery
Date: 5/13/2015 2:52:00 AM
Congrats Avery. I see that this was revised, curious about the original, but love this one.
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Avery Swarthout
Date: 5/13/2015 10:01:00 AM
The original was really very similar, mainly some syntax and meter issues. Thanks so much for your kind words!
Date: 5/10/2015 3:36:00 AM
I want to thank everyone for the suggestions and critiques! I really learned a lot from just that! Thanks all so much! Cheers and best, Avery
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Date: 5/10/2015 3:28:00 AM
Kestrel!!! LOVE It!!! Good choice. I like the changes, but do YOU? Sigh, I had hoped that the participants would keep the original up, above the revised versions. I hope you are enjoying this process ... revision ... no all writing... is a solitary occupation, isn't it? This workshop is a chance for us to gather, contemplate, give each other a hand up as well as letting each other know what already works, already shines. Deep poem before. Your bird is beautiful. Cheers, Cyndi
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Avery Swarthout
Date: 5/10/2015 3:38:00 AM
I do very much enjoy the changes yes! But not just that I think I understand why they were suggested and now how the poem is improved with said changes in place. It was great to have a hand from you in revising this poem. I have the original tucked away in my drive still so possibly I will re-upload it. All the best, Avery
Date: 5/9/2015 12:07:00 PM
I hope to see it later with some of the input in place. Light & love
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Date: 5/8/2015 7:31:00 PM
and more Tweak. verse 5 line 3 change protecting to protects and line break- line 7 line break after crypt - omit "which lies". Avery, try any, all, or none of the above as you see fit. It is a powerful poem that I read several times before offering my ideas of tightening up the spirals of the raptor. hope some of this is helpful.
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Date: 5/8/2015 7:24:00 PM
Tweak, Tweak...verse 1 - in line one change "A bird" to 'Lone raptor" - line 2 omit "and"- line 3 line break after gurgles - line 6 line break after refracted. verse 2 line 3 remove "as if" - line 4 and 6 remove the "and" as first word - verse 3 line 1 line break after "fades" - line 3 remove "and", line break after song - verse 4 line 1 maybe replace "The" with "With" line 2 omit "the" , line 3 omit "as" verse 5 line 1 line break after forms line 2 delete "which" "
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Date: 5/8/2015 9:16:00 AM
Also, there are a lot of the's... filler words... maybe you could pluck out a few. "Cause" is one of those pesky words that means much. Cause, the root of something, Cause, a purpose. It can mean an element of force as well...so you may wish to consider another word that "anchors" that line a bit better. Purpose? Direction may work, as you are speaking of movement, flight... you could even add a comma, so "tranquil, direction gurgles/through silent valleys." The personification of cause being so close to the bird confuses the two nouns a bit, I think. Is it the bird's cause? Or does cause, personified, gurgle?" I like the personification of cause/purpose/direction .. hmm...perhaps keep the opening with the bird as a couplet? Cut the stanza? Not sure... Again, these are things just to consider. Listen, mull and then listen to your own instinct. Please check out my workshop poem when/if you can. I'd welcome suggestions. :D
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Date: 5/8/2015 9:06:00 AM
I am so glad that you have entered this poem into the workshop. It deserves MUCH more attention. Even if you choose to keep it exactly as it... one reply? I want to see more peeps read this. It is rich, profound. Can it be improved? That is up to you to decide. I do have suggestions... first you could make the bird concrete. What type of bird? A dove? An eagle? Both are cliché so you stand the risk of going down familiar paths...an owl, perhaps, a thrush, a swallow...
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