Exclamations of the Perfect Child

Goodness Gracious! My classmates are all hot messes, They all managed to get cookie crumbs all over their dresses, They have warped into little monsters! Attacking snacks as if they were Edward Scissorhands, I can't bear to look, Their antics are repulsive man, Please stop the presses and the publicity! Someone needs to show these kids how to eat, How can anyone go from enjoying a meal, to being the most notorious violators of fine cuisine...? There is no peeling, patting or baking involved, so why is it so hard to partake politely, without being ghastly and unsightly? Goodness Gracious! It is such a turn off when youngsters act like complete slobs, I wonder how they would fare eating pasghetti in globs? Or cotton candy melting by the millisecond? They would probably need a Nursemaid...... I reckon.