Written by
Natasha Trethewey |
--New Orleans, November 1910
Four weeks have passed since I left, and still
I must write to you of no work.
I've worn down
the soles and walked through the tightness
of my new shoes calling upon the merchants,
their offices bustling.
All the while I kept thinking
my plain English and good writing would secure
for me some modest position Though I dress each day
in my best, hands covered with the lace gloves
you crocheted--no one needs a girl.
How flat
the word sounds, and heavy.
My purse thins.
I spend foolishly to make an appearance of quiet
industry, to mask the desperation that tightens
my throat.
I sit watching--
though I pretend not to notice--the dark maids
ambling by with their white charges.
Do I deceive
anyone? Were they to see my hands, brown
as your dear face, they'd know I'm not quite
what I pretend to be.
I walk these streets
a white woman, or so I think, until I catch the eyes
of some stranger upon me, and I must lower mine,
a negress again.
There are enough things here
to remind me who I am.
Mules lumbering through
the crowded streets send me into reverie, their footfall
the sound of a pointer and chalk hitting the blackboard
at school, only louder.
Then there are women, clicking
their tongues in conversation, carrying their loads
on their heads.
Their husky voices, the wash pots
and irons of the laundresses call to me.
I thought not to do the work I once did, back bending
and domestic; my schooling a gift--even those half days
at picking time, listening to Miss J--.
How
I'd come to know words, the recitations I practiced
to sound like her, lilting, my sentences curling up
or trailing off at the ends.
I read my books until
I nearly broke their spines, and in the cotton field,
I repeated whole sections I'd learned by heart,
spelling each word in my head to make a picture
I could see, as well as a weight I could feel
in my mouth.
So now, even as I write this
and think of you at home, Goodbye
is the waving map of your palm, is
a stone on my tongue.
|
Written by
Natasha Trethewey |
Here, she said, put this on your head.
She handed me a hat.
you 'bout as white as your dad,
and you gone stay like that.
Aunt Sugar rolled her nylons down
around each bony ankle,
and I rolled down my white knee socks
letting my thin legs dangle,
circling them just above water
and silver backs of minnows
flitting here then there between
the sun spots and the shadows.
This is how you hold the pole
to cast the line out straight.
Now put that worm on your hook,
throw it out and wait.
She sat spitting tobacco juice
into a coffee cup.
Hunkered down when she felt the bite,
jerked the pole straight up
reeling and tugging hard at the fish
that wriggled and tried to fight back.
A flounder, she said, and you can tell
'cause one of its sides is black.
The other is white, she said.
It landed with a thump.
I stood there watching that fish flip-flop,
switch sides with every jump.
|
Written by
Natasha Trethewey |
All week she's cleaned
someone else's house,
stared down her own face
in the shine of copper--
bottomed pots, polished
wood, toilets she'd pull
the lid to--that look saying
Let's make a change, girl.
But Sunday mornings are hers--
church clothes starched
and hanging, a record spinning
on the console, the whole house
dancing.
She raises the shades,
washes the rooms in light,
buckets of water, Octagon soap.
Cleanliness is next to godliness .
.
.
Windows and doors flung wide,
curtains two-stepping
forward and back, neck bones
bumping in the pot, a choir
of clothes clapping on the line.
Nearer my God to Thee .
.
.
She beats time on the rugs,
blows dust from the broom
like dandelion spores, each one
a wish for something better.
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