Having it Out with Melancholy

 1FROM THE NURSERY


When I was born, you waited 
behind a pile of linen in the nursery, 
and when we were alone, you lay down 
on top of me, pressing
the bile of desolation into every pore.



And from that day on 
everything under the sun and moon 
made me sad -- even the yellow 
wooden beads that slid and spun 
along a spindle on my crib.



You taught me to exist without gratitude.
 
You ruined my manners toward God:
"We're here simply to wait for death; 
the pleasures of earth are overrated.
"


I only appeared to belong to my mother, 
to live among blocks and cotton undershirts 
with snaps; among red tin lunch boxes
and report cards in ugly brown slipcases.
 
I was already yours -- the anti-urge, 
the mutilator of souls.




2BOTTLES


Elavil, Ludiomil, Doxepin, 
Norpramin, Prozac, Lithium, Xanax, 
Wellbutrin, Parnate, Nardil, Zoloft.
 
The coated ones smell sweet or have 
no smell; the powdery ones smell 
like the chemistry lab at school 
that made me hold my breath.




3SUGGESTION FROM A FRIEND


You wouldn't be so depressed
if you really believed in God.




4OFTEN


Often I go to bed as soon after dinner 
as seems adult
(I mean I try to wait for dark)
in order to push away 
from the massive pain in sleep's 
frail wicker coracle.




5ONCE THERE WAS LIGHT


Once, in my early thirties, I saw 
that I was a speck of light in the great 
river of light that undulates through time.



I was floating with the whole 
human family.
 We were all colors -- those 
who are living now, those who have died, 
those who are not yet born.
 For a few


moments I floated, completely calm, 
and I no longer hated having to exist.



Like a crow who smells hot blood 
you came flying to pull me out 
of the glowing stream.

"I'll hold you up.
 I never let my dear 
ones drown!" After that, I wept for days.




6IN AND OUT


The dog searches until he finds me 
upstairs, lies down with a clatter 
of elbows, puts his head on my foot.


Sometimes the sound of his breathing 
saves my life -- in and out, in 
and out; a pause, a long sigh.
 .
 .
 .
 



7PARDON


A piece of burned meat 
wears my clothes, speaks 
in my voice, dispatches obligations 
haltingly, or not at all.

It is tired of trying 
to be stouthearted, tired 
beyond measure.



We move on to the monoamine 
oxidase inhibitors.
 Day and night 
I feel as if I had drunk six cups 
of coffee, but the pain stops
abruptly.
 With the wonder 
and bitterness of someone pardoned 
for a crime she did not commit 
I come back to marriage and friends, 
to pink fringed hollyhocks; come back 
to my desk, books, and chair.




8CREDO


Pharmaceutical wonders are at work 
but I believe only in this moment 
of well-being.
 Unholy ghost, 
you are certain to come again.



Coarse, mean, you'll put your feet 
on the coffee table, lean back, 
and turn me into someone who can't 
take the trouble to speak; someone 
who can't sleep, or who does nothing 
but sleep; can't read, or call 
for an appointment for help.



There is nothing I can do 
against your coming.
 
When I awake, I am still with thee.




9WOOD THRUSH


High on Nardil and June light 
I wake at four, 
waiting greedily for the first
note of the wood thrush.
 Easeful air 
presses through the screen 
with the wild, complex song 
of the bird, and I am overcome


by ordinary contentment.
 
What hurt me so terribly 
all my life until this moment? 
How I love the small, swiftly 
beating heart of the bird 
singing in the great maples; 
its bright, unequivocal eye.

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