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Author's note: This piece, dear reader, is my idea of a possible 3rd grade writing assignment around this time of year. Dear Santa, What I'd really like for Christmas is a effalump, Or a camel with a funny hump, Or a hippopocerus that I could teach to jump, Or a puppy dog will do for Christmas. Next, please disappear my baby brother, Ben, So I can be the only child again. I won't have to share my toys with him, and then, All the presents will be mine at Christmas. And then I'd like for you to bring my daddy back, 'cause we need him here more than in Iraq, So Mommy will stop sleeping with my Uncle Jack. That's the last thing on my list for Christmas. Just in case that Mrs. Santa's on the sleigh with you, Our chimney's big enough, she can come down, too. And I promise I won't tell her what I saw you do Beneath the mistletoe with Mom last Christmas. I'll leave you milk and cookies like I'm s'posed to do, They'll be gluten-free, so they're good for you, And a fifth of Scotch, if you will be a good boy, too, And bring me everything I want for Christmas. Thank you and Merry Christmas. Yours truly, Johnny Dorflemeyer Age 8
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