The act of healing,
this work of repair,
this mending—
does not vanish into completion.
It does not end in wholeness,
nor conclude in perfection.
It ends in stability.
It settles like stone into balance,
into a ground that holds.
And from that bedrock,
a breath of light drifts forward.
Something quieter begins to move;
a softer current stirs,
as though the tide begins to turn.
Not desire, nor echo;
not need, nor longing;
not hunger, nor ache,
nor plea—
but the shimmer of essence,
the quiet weight of presence,
the stillness of being.
They rise
like unseen constellations
aligning themselves in silence—
each one tied to a choice
I have not yet made.
What comes for me
moves with intention.
What stays
does so because it is meant to root.
What leaves
makes space for a greater unfolding.
I feel myself opening to it—
slowly, bravely,
the way a soul unclenches
after years of holding its own weight.
It is the greatest Paradox
of my life. That, in order to
heal my deep wounds of
cPTSD, I need to let go of
my survival strategies
that have kept me alive.
For, what once saved me,
now harms me.
What once kept me alive,
now keeps me
from fully living.
Skye
Life is such a Rough Light, a fiery Lantern,
an Arrow portrayed as a Wave
A course I correct
by remembering who I was
before fire existed.
A false image masquerading as suffering,
swallowing me whole.
Assault disrupted my mirror,
so I forgot that I am Love.
Abuse disrupted my presence,
so I forgot I am Enough.
Abandonment disrupted the connection to myself,
made me forget I am One.
I wander through the ruins left
by hands that weren’t mine.
I let The Deep reveal what it buried
to keep me alive.
Such a relentless illusion -
reactivating unpredictable fear
born from self-love
if you can believe it
Know that I say that, shaken.
I whisper it while crying.
I hum it over and over, alone in the dark.
Because in the time split
between my breath
and the loss of it,
I found an unloved child, frozen in time
Tight stretched skin, not unlike leather parchment
Adorned with scars and burns and such carvings
Among the colors, red ink's enrichment
Envelops a file cabinet's burnings
Advice from the mental advisory
Suggests that all these thoughts be locked away
In filing in forgotten drawery
To the night is left burdens of the day
Where were they all put, these things once forgot?
Within the belly of the hungry fire
Sift the ashes in its wake, all for naught
Unabated, flames climb ever higher
Once-was engulfed, still the fire spreads untamed
Lost memories, the cost of ink unnamed
Like dancing naked it is
to expose my feeling thoughts this way
My words give me away
my feelings on display
It's why I never shared it before
in any meaningful way
I could not stomach to feel myself
so share them all ? no way!
So it's more like crawling on broken glass
or swallowing a lump with mass
And I hope with releasing them here
this too shall soon come to pass
I am told its normal to feel
but I can tell you for me it's unreal
I was really good at being devoid of mood
and living beneath a rational hood
This feeling thing misunderstood by me
and so at times my rational mind sets me free
The up, down and sideways of life
is not a pleasant place to be.
Like Dancing Naked it is - Artimus 10/01/23 10:11 AM (C) Susan Manley
Silver knife in the heart
Twisting
Crystalizing off of fear, building a fort to disappear
Forever
Black shadow upon my chest
Sucking the happines from my soul and leaving me among the rest
Empty
Running away from the stress
Choking on the truth
One neglect after another
Chaining me in a dark room,sunlight never shining in
A doll to control,stealing from the innocence
Taken while conscious, and gifted voidance
You can't say that we didn't try
To open up to you,
But in spite of the tears we cried
There's nothing you would do
To try to save what we should have,
The fault was never yours
We lay our hearts out on the line
But, no - 'I'm not the cause.'
Someday you'll look back and see
In you we can't invest,
We need to move forth and be free,
And finally get some rest.
Goodbye, adieu, auf wiedersehen,
We shall not meet again.
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