War

It feels like I got drafted to a war. A war I didn't even know started. Maybe I was oblivious. Maybe there's an excuse, Then again maybe not. But I know I feel tense. I feel beyond tense. Nowhere is home now. Nowhere is safe. No one is safe to be with. I can't depend on anyone to help me, It's every man for himself out here And I'm stuck here. When I'm someone who thinks love is a currency that functions in reverse. I am someone who thinks the more love I give out, the more I will receive. And I am at war now. There's always shouting, There's always pain, There's always something wrong, There's always something I did wrong. My body is breaking. There are holes in my stomach and I cannot sleep. Laying down makes me sick, And so does standing up for myself. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to explain how I feel, How I function, How I think. I can't even explain it to me. Social experiences with loved ones make me feel like I've got a nosebleed in a shark tank. Strangers make me brace for impact. I don't know how to respond to compliments or kindness from others. I don't know how to tell someone "it's not okay" when they apologize. I'm tired. I'm sick of this. I want to be left alone now. I want to recover. I want peace of mind. I want to say "go away" and mean it. I want to say "It's not okay, and I don't forgive you." I really just want to feel better. I want the war to end.