Revised- As the Midnight Moon Shines Upon Her Eyes

First version As Midnight Moon Shines Upon Her Eyes In a dream world where fantasies abound shall be where my princess is found Wrapped in her vision an angelic choir cherubs singing her heart's desire Her voice soothes every hearing soul spreading happiness her daily goal As midnight moon shines upon her eyes a thought comes to me so very wise Surely she could come to me down here easing my hurt, wash away my fear A soft gentle touch to my spirit renew help me find a love any man is due In a dream world such fantasies exist your heart's desire, anything on your list Robert Lindley March 21, 2001 Syllables Per Line: 10 8 10 8 0 8 9 9 10 0 9 9 12 10 0 10 10 Total # Syllables: 132 Total # Lines: 17 (Including empty lines) Words with (syllables) counted programmatically: N/A Total # Words: 98 Read more at: http://www.poetrysoup.com/poetry_resources/syllable_counter.aspx Read more at: http://www.poetrysoup.com/poem/as_midnight_moon_shines_upon_her_eyes_636229 ------------------------------------------------- Revised version-- For Roy Jerden's contest Titled- The Makeover Roy Jerden Contest Name The Makeover Deadline 4/7/2015 12:00:00 AM Note From Sponsor No updates yet... Contest Description Do you revise your old poems, sometimes extensively? If the answer is yes, then this contest is for you. For this contest, you must revise an old poem. We're talking about a makeover, not lipstick on a pig, OK? I'm looking for improvements. You can lengthen, shorten, move the words around, change the form, the meter, rhyme, assonance, dissonance, style, tone etc. Find better word combinations, nuances and multiple layers of meaning, metaphors, etc. Rules: 1. Copy the new version below the old one. You can delete after the contest is over. 2. Date both versions. 3. Any length is OK, but I will give preference in rank to the most improved poems, in my opinion. Places assigned as merited. Revised version below.......(Greatly improved!) As Midnight Moon Shines Upon Her Eyes In a dream world where fantasies abound in this fantasy my princess is found Wrapped in her vision an angelic choir cherubs singing her sweetest heart's desire Beautiful voice soothes every hurting soul spreading happiness, is her daily goal A midnight moon shining upon her eyes this thought comes to me so very wise Heaven is her coming to me down here easing my hurt, washing away my fear Softest touch my heart it does renew helping me find love any man is due Lovely dream world such fantasies exist her heart's desire, anything on her list Robert Lindley, 04-04-2015 Syllables Per Line: 10 10 10 10 0 10 10 10 10 0 10 10 10 10 0 10 10 Total # Syllables: 140 Total # Lines: 17 (Including empty lines) Words with (syllables) counted programmatically: N/A Total # Words: 97 ------------------------------------------------- Second revised version meets syllable count and is more directly attuned to the subject, the girl. Word count is one word less but packs a more intensive feel and places far more emphasis on the subject -the girl. Being a sonnet lengthening or shortening the poem was very limited but other aspects were badly needed.