Rejected Again

Rejected. Again. Tonight I think I felt utterly defeated. My hands around my towel to the shower I retreated. I cleaned the house. Put the kids to bed early. So I could try my best to be flirty... He shows me no interest. I wear black lace. I expect him to kiss me.. hands on my waist... My fiance sighs... Me on my knees now I'm bare. No passion in kissing or fist in my hair. He looked down at me and said sternly "no." But i tried again. I just couldn't let it go. I kissed up his neck and I straddled his hips. Heartache felt like a sinking ship.. "Didnt you hear me say no" "Get off" I feel dirty. What should I expect? Hes in his mid 30s Like I'm trying to force him..I hear whispers. I scrub my skin raw in the shower... till it blisters. I'm 23 maybe I'm too eager to please him. I hear his excuses yet he calls them his reasons. I'm available to him. At his beck and call. When I want him.... he let's me fall. We have 2 kids and my body has changed. Maybe I just dont feel the same. Maybe I dont look my best. Why do I feel like a monster with my hands on his chest? We're supposed to get married legitimately How do I cope with no intimacy? We have sex twice a month if I'm honest I'm feeling disgusting. Worthless. Haunted. I lay naked beside him and tears sting my eyes. I choke out another "i love you. goodnight."