Mirror Man

I'm making pipe bombs out of all the momentum you stole from me. All the skipped heartbeats. All the hesitation- potential energy. You made me unsure of what it meant to be, worthy. I'm stockpiling my heartache. Getting it all as close as I can to where that well meaning man showed me the reward center of the brain is. He didn't know... that I'd want to make it Ground Zero. Haha, and he probably thought he was being a hero. Just another chump like me trying to make himself feel important by licking someone else's wounds. But, he gave me the blueprint to doom. Since I was just a kid, manifesting my own demise. Fighting battles inside a misaligned cage- filled with self-rage. Always feeling like I was naked on stage. And you were laughing as you yanked down the curtain. Just to make it certain, that you were better than someone. I don't think it really mattered who. I was just an easy target. Because as scary as some people thought I was. You knew all my secrets. And, when we were alone you'd use them. Bring me to my knees with the truth of what was behind the fabricated mask of a scared kid. Who never meant to hurt anyone, the way he did. And when you cut me. You'd say it was my fault, and that I deserved it. I'd try to fight back, but it's hard to wipe your eyes dry and see clearly, when you're holding the blade. I wanted to run. To get help, but I always stayed. Because I was afraid of what you might do on your own. Hazy recollections of nights spent on top of the roof with the only person I think truly understood me, would sometimes get through to me. He taught me to hold my ground. Even against myself. Even though, he couldn't for himself... In the end. Jamie, can you hear me? I'm in the dark again. Playing chess against the mirror man, and he's winning. I stopped smoking over 2 years ago, but I've been keeping a lighter just for this. I let the flint spark and ignite my brain stem. He's got maybe one or two more moves. And, I can't let him win. I'm with you in the neighbor's back yard again. Feeling the regret after laughing with you when we pissed in the palms of stone Angel's hands. You never believed in God. But, I gotta believe you're somewhere. Somewhere not like the place I'm in now. Because it wasn't your fault you were sick. I know you were a good man because you saw the good in me. Even when no one else did. I can hear the marble drumming. He's rearranging the pieces. I don't know what's happening. Will my soul end up like all the shattered mirrors and liquor bottles? Jagged and able to reflect nothing but meaningless glimpses of what I should have been? Jamie, I need my best friend... -James Kelley 2018