Home » Poems » Dr Hitendra Mehta » Self Scorched Selflessly

Self Scorched Selflessly

suns smutty shadow still  
symphonically shouting silently 
self scorched selflessly

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March 2011
Hitendra Mehta
For Members Contest - "Alliterative Haiku" by Chris D. Aechtner
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Carolyn Devonshire

Date: 3/16/2011 9:42:00 AM

No, Hitendra, you did an awesome job here. I tried for hours and could not come up with an alliterative haiku. Be proud of your accomplishment in writing this excellent verse. Love, Carolyn

Carolyn Devonshire

Date: 3/16/2011 8:50:00 AM

You succeeded in painting a vivid image with your haiku, Hitendra. I simply could not write a haiku using alliteration, so I admire your skill. Love, Carolyn

Debbie Guzzi

Date: 3/10/2011 4:32:00 AM

It was only necessary to have 1 use of alliteration for this contest, 1 was enough, you could have used 3 different alliterative types too, but using all the same letter and the same sound made it more like a tongue twister which was not what Chris wanted. He just wanted us to know, using alliteration in a haiku is acceptable. Hope this helps?

Debbie Guzzi

Date: 3/6/2011 8:31:00 AM

smutty sun weak shadow/ wheel whoosh by silently/ sunburnt self..of course I'm absolutely SURE you can do better I'm just trying to convey alliteration was still used, the topic remained the same but the "visceralness" of the moment is stronger, the reader feels BURNT as you...Hitu, might you please leave me a blog comment, I'd like to know what you think of the poem there?

Debbie Guzzi

Date: 3/6/2011 8:27:00 AM

line 2 the action the words are too big too intellectual not visceral enough..so we must think how to give the same info in a more haiku way [yes we want sound!!!hmmm what in real life would give the skin tingle of a loud but silent sound..like white noise or chalk on a black board] ahhh traffic sound perhaps??? so line 2 wheel whoosh by silently [by & silent have repeated the "I" sound a second way to use alliteration.] Line 3 why use SELF twice [wasteful when we have so few sounds to sing ;)]

Debbie Guzzi

Date: 3/6/2011 8:21:00 AM

Great imagery Hitu you put TOO much alliteration Chris just wanted you to know alliteration IS used in haiku ex: smutty sun weak shadow [could line 1 excellent evocative image one feels tarnishes, dirty, reading it, excellent & you still have alliertation but not over kill]