Revisiting My Poems

Reading a post by Alfred Vassallo, I have decided to start a discussion on soupers about the ortodoxy of poems. Vassallo complains that the site is boring because comments are not directed to favour the production of better poems.He is right. A soup must be tasty, this one is too sweet, needs some chili inside. So, I revisit now my poems using chili instead of sugar. I start with the poem Oasis: A rose blooms silent In the middle of desert, Oasis of life. A thought blooms silent In the middle of my head, Oasis of life. What else than a rose has to bloom in the desert? This is the typical mistake of poems using images which are already old and stinky rumors in poetry. But if one choses the rose, it must be not silent at all: it is a rumorous crash pervading all the desert. Is exploding life! So, the verses should be A rose bursts crashing In the middle of desert As atomic bomb The same thing applies to thought. New ideas are not silent at all A thought bursts crashing In the middle of my head As atomic bomb. Now, let us go back to soupers. It would be profitable if such comments were carried out by soupers not fearing to offend the authors. We must be open to new poetry with chili inside! This prose is a Manifesto for soupers. Another poem of mine, greatly commented, is Nine Angels. Nine dogs in my life Nine angels looking for love Gently love giving. Most dogs in my life By passing time were stolen Still angels of love. Writing a poem on dogs, most of them being dead during years, it is the best way to drive emotions of readers. This might be a good thing either for the author or for readers but reduces poetry to the simple expression of naive sentiment with simple words. Nothing bad in this if it is not the only thing emerging fro the poem. My poem is very poor, there is no strong feeling and the word "love" is repeatedly used along with "angels". It is OK, my dos are all angels of love, but it is not enough! I played and struggled with them: no trace of this in the poem, only honeyed words without the ferine genuineness of dogs, their paws with claws to put chili in the poem. A terrible discovery. I must change my style. The only thing to save is the passing time stealing life. So I write the new version: Nine dogs in my life Nine hungry looking for food A bark their speaking. Most dogs in my life By passing time were stolen Their paws were resting. This newly revisited poem is far from being perfect, but at least is closer to canine world and, after all, does not ask approval from readers with easy and naive words. I will continue in my revisiting to my poems, but I would like to use some chili with other soupers too. I do not intend to offend generous poets aiming to help a better world, but I think that good, positive criticism may help people to grow and improve their skills. Otherwise everybody continues to be autoreferential receiving only approvals even when they shouldn't. Waiting for comments (also with sulfuric acid inside!)