Haiku 26
the melting snow sits
on the remnants of green lawn --
the smell of smoke
Andrea D. Suggested the following changes
the snow melts
on the remnant of green lawn --
the smell of smoke
Chris A. Suggests some of the articles be removed
snow melts
on remnants of green lawn --
the smell of smoke
Rueben O. has made a valid comment too regarding the word remnant.
Jack Kerouac once said that haiku should be as simple as porridge and
the word remnant is NOT..it is a word best used in free verse.
As to whether it's Spring or early Winter I think the smell of smoke
shows nicely that folks have lit their fireplaces BUT I'm open to suggestion.
the snow melts
above patches of green grass --
chimney smoke
Rueben now we have come to the end of my desire to tinker ;)
Line 3 as it stands was MY Ahaa moment seeing how the cold and the heat
both occur in beauty simultaneously BUT my AhhhHA! may be your [so what]
that's fine..and it is GOOD to point out the fragmented line is tthe hardest to excell
in.it is the line where without [telling] by [showing] the poet tries to
communicate how they felt in awe....
*This is how folks work on a haiku :)
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