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haiku 26

Debbie Guzzi Avatar Debbie Guzzi - LIFETIME Premium Member Debbie Guzzi - Premium MemberPremium Member Send Soup Mail Go to Poets Blog Block poet from commenting on your poetry

Below is the poem entitled haiku 26 which was written by poet Debbie Guzzi. Please feel free to comment on this poem. However, please remember, PoetrySoup is a place of encouragement and growth.

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haiku 26

the melting snow sits
on the remnants of green lawn --
the smell of smoke 

Andrea D. Suggested the following changes

the snow melts
on the remnant of green lawn --
the smell of smoke

Chris A. Suggests some of the articles be removed

snow melts
on remnants of green lawn --
the smell of smoke

Rueben O. has made a valid comment too regarding the word remnant.
Jack Kerouac once said that haiku should be as simple as porridge and 
the word remnant is is a word best used in free verse.

As to whether it's Spring or early Winter I think the smell of smoke
shows nicely that folks have lit their fireplaces BUT I'm open to suggestion.

the snow melts
above patches of green grass --
chimney smoke

 Rueben now we have come  to the end of my desire to tinker ;)
Line 3 as it stands was MY Ahaa moment seeing how the cold and the heat
both occur in beauty simultaneously BUT my AhhhHA! may be your [so what]
that's fine..and it is GOOD to point out the fragmented line is tthe hardest to excell is the line where without [telling] by [showing] the poet tries to
communicate how they felt in awe....

*This is how folks work on a haiku :)

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  1. Date: 11/29/2012 6:24:00 AM
    snow returns - the colour to grass... chimneys exhale

    Guzzi Avatar Debbie Guzzi
    Date: 11/29/2012 7:22:00 AM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    no Harry..totally your opinion of how to look at the scene, the snow didn't bring back the grass [it was always under the snow] the chimney doesn't breath [people do] KEEP working ;)
  1. Date: 11/29/2012 5:29:00 AM
    Why thank you Chris and we have all dwelt in the beauty of the experience not only of that 1 moment..but of each moment of sharing! You do not get progress OR results without be confident, secure and open enough to let others IN...

  1. Date: 11/29/2012 12:40:00 AM
    Hey, this haiku changed a lot....the end product is very sound.

  1. Date: 11/28/2012 4:39:00 PM
    The only difference I have from Deb is I did not smell the smoke, I saw it drifting from the chimney. Either way it definitely works.

  1. Date: 11/28/2012 4:33:00 PM
    The poem is perfect the way it is. the snow melts// above patches of green grass --// chimney smoke// It is early spring or a very warm winter day. The grass is already sprouting. However, the chill is still dominant in the shade and the cool rooms of the house, so there is a fire in the fireplace. So the juxtaposition is from a cool spring morning to a warm fire in the house. It gives you a good wrap around warm feeling in the third line.

  1. Date: 11/28/2012 3:50:00 PM
    Now I think that you must revise the yuxtaposition of the two persceptions...I love the first two lines, but still needs the magical touch!Where is CHARLES? : )

  1. Date: 11/28/2012 2:55:00 PM
    awesome, Debs, and I like the final product!!!

  1. Date: 11/28/2012 12:39:00 PM
    Well...May I put my two cents?? : ) I'm not sure if it's winter or spring. On one hand, "green lawn" and "melting snow" brings the idea of spring (lawn starts to green up)...on the other hand, a hypotethical "bonfire" (smell of smoke) may be responsible for the "melting" of the "first" snow that eventually will cover the "green lawn" (remnants of ...) I think that the WORD that confuses me is "remnants"...LOL! Enjoy it!

  1. Date: 11/28/2012 3:30:00 AM
    A clever and visual write. well done. warm best wishes. Pete.

  1. Date: 11/27/2012 8:54:00 PM
    Oh shoot, that comment came across quite rude, maybe I should delete it?

  1. Date: 11/27/2012 8:53:00 PM
    Doobie, I know you aren't a fan of tontoism(even though Tonto was portrayed by an Italian actor, I have to admit how I enjoy employing a bit of tontoism once in a while), but 3 'the's and two 'of's in one haiku is a lot(in my opinion :D).

  1. Date: 11/27/2012 4:54:00 PM
    Debs I like this sensory haiku. One little thing, if the snow is melting, for me it would sound more logical to say, the snow melts/on the remnants of green lawn. Or if it's already melted, the melted snow sits on ..... Does that make sense? Was this inspired by your own lawn?