Dear Ex

Dear Ex, I know you and I had our differences. We were always finding new ways to say I loathe you. It was my blameworthiness that allowed the rain to enter your car, because your window was down. I’m sorry I didn’t carry my 9 months of pregnant girth, down four flights of stairs, to the outside parking deck, in the rain to roll it up. It was my fault when the bank account was overdrawn by 6 cents, due to paying all the bills on time. I apologize for keeping the power turned on so I could cook fish sticks and green bean soup on your salary. It was my fault the car was always out of gas, since I never drove it anywhere. What could I do but apologize for that? It was totally my fault. By the way, I met your supervisor. Like when I forced you to have an extramarital relationship with a co-worker because of the weight I had gained. I’m so sorry my Motherhoodness was so repulsive to you. It also was my fault our marriage didn’t last longer than 3 years, because I chose to be happy without you. I do regret that almost never. Did I mention my promotion? But let’s not be sad. For all the hurtful comments I made about your manhood because, I couldn’t think of anything nice to say. I’m sorry. I regret that I didn’t save some of those photos for Ripley’s Believe it or Not. I deeply regret having never told you I entered you in an ugly man contest. Or that your third placement, won me an additional $5 gift card. Did I mention my new job? So Ex, I hope this heart felt letter of apology finds you prosperous and in good health. Keep those support payments coming, and Don’t forget to feed the kitty! Love, your new boss