Being With Me

I looked for you in the corner store amongst cheap bottles of wine that give no intoxication no ecstasy I looked for you pats the lonely matron, pushing her roller backpack across dirt stained rugs amongst aisles of hard bound paper knowledge I looked for you in walks as the sun sank into confetti whirling pink, blue then black like the bruises on my heart. Walking past black and silent streets and houses on All Hallows Eve I looked for you when I got home to an empty apartment, tired and hot staring a the computer screen, dog and cat Farmyard, circus of the Soul I looked for you in the massages and abuse the oppressions and genocide Asked the question why do I like the villains in the stories and movies? Lack of power? Or wanting to seek and unattainable goal and be willing to do anything, fight the law, fight man, fight God to obtain I looked for you in my room called the library amongst dusty books, earthquake hazard I looked for you in the random encounters, platonic or otherwise Look for you when I am with friends or when they are to busy for me, their lives like vessels and my own stuck in the sand. The wrong river of time, not ebbing but flowing nowhere I looked for you in solitude this whole empty weekend where I had to wrestle with myself, Jacob and The Angel of the Lord David and Goliath Jesus bleeding sweat that glistened in the pale moonlight of Gethsemane gone Saw the snake in my dream erupt (or did I?) out of the underground cave from below Am I close? A breakthrough draws closer? A change about to begin? I looked for you and realized it wasn't you at all but me, the old me sitting, standing walking, searching Out of myself I know how to live with myself and laugh, sing whirl in joy with this realization of being with me.