Unwanted

Hard lessons learned when brought into my home at the age of 3 and people ask why I have no sense of value let me tell why what it was my mother made clear as i looked on disillusioned, by fear of the cold hard truth that my mother was right no matter what i did or how hard i tried she was right i would never have true love in anyone’s eyes. After i had my children and swore no one would love them more and finally I had some little people who saw my worth and loved me unconditionally ,can you imagine how it felt when God took them away from me. Here i thought i was worthy of love but was destroyed completely when they were taken by the greatest betrayal by God up above. So here my story starts as I stood at my mothers knee. Imagine standing at your new mama's knee at the tender age of 3. As she sat playing and cuddling my brother I patiently waited for to notice she had another So when I cried and asked could you not love me too? She looked at me in complete disgust and said I could never love you I stood about 2 and a half feet tall with tears in my eyes why mama why can you not love me I cried She looked at me with those cold icy eyes of blue What makes you think anyone would ever love you? I took you in came as a set. A major factor I was never to be allowed to forget. I never wanted you as you will be a whore like your mother I did this all because I wanted your brother. I remember as my soul and heart were crushed She smugly smiled and looked at me in total disgust Please mama you love me a little too Again she said never could I love something like you So why am I here I asked my mother She coldly looked through me and as I looked at my mother She calmly said with no emotion at all it was the only way I could have you brother She never flinched as I was told this again and again That I would never be good enough for anyone again So for many years I worked hard at being good Finally at the age of 10 I really understood No one would ever want me asI would never be good enough Finally 35 years later I thought I found my true love Only to find twenty years later That he too could not love me I could feel the smug look and see those c As he found another I felt a blinding pain of memories I could not disguise The only good thing that came from this pain forced me at the tender age of 3 Was i silently knew without a doubt that when I had children they would never feel that rejection. Never would they feel worthless like me. But then the joke was on me because they did love me unconditionally. Because a higher power took them away from me forever.