Sucka Filled Love

*Edited for general audience* Why do I still blush when this man that’s no good for me, says something I’m sure he says to five other females, maybe more. Why do I find myself hoping that he’ll carry on with me, knowing that after I’m done being made to feel special, I’m just a fleeting thought until we find each other… …again. Why do I smile so big at a message with no feelings, just overused words strung together, sent by a man who probably just got finished sliding in someone’s DMs. Why do I find myself hoping that he’ll make a declaration, when we’ve told each other we’re not trying to be serious. One of us fronting, rare that it’s both. Why do I always want the ones who can’t give me the things I act like I don’t need. The ones who flirt with you and have sex with someone else because they can’t get it from you. The ones you do love, and sex good, yet when he leaves your presence, you know he’s into other things that ain’t you. The ones that don’t flirt, don’t love you, and stress to you how much they hate these girls stressing them. How they wish y'all weren’t friends, because you're so lowkey and would be the perfect girl because you get him. Why. Just why. Do I take the time to write out how much thought I put into this man, these men, those guys. That only take time out when it’s “been a minute”, “Hey big head”, “What’s up stranger”, “You cut me off”, “I just wanted to check on you”, Season. Why do I roll my eyes and smile at these messages, let the calls go to voicemail then send a text hours later. Why do I hit him with the “Whatever"s, "Stop frontin”, “Lol. Nothing."s Why do I let my feelings drag me into these circles, knowing that they change. That the same thing that makes me smile today, is the thing that makes me cringe tomorrow. The man I thought I loved to see pop up in my phone, I start to wonder why I ever got on this ride. Why. Just why, Do I do this to myself?