Rugby Scrum Dance For Divorced and Disabused Wedding Guests

Rugby SCRUM* DANCE for Divorced and Dis-abused Wedding Guests (Packs made up of eight « players » (see note below) may be formed indifferently : either segregate the sexes or mix them up. No sweat ! Only keep children away !) First Half Step up Both parties, now Take two steps forward Crouch - Pause - Engage Lock jaws, crush noses, twist mouths, stick tongue in eyes Chew tufts of ear and eye haïr, straggling locks and stubborn cowlicks Spit putrid saliva into slobbering teary-sweaty faces Crush toes under boots, judo-kick ankles and, if possible, necks Watch the three heads stuck between first-row thighs Aim kick to upturn canines Let not number 8 make as if s/he was kept out of pack Hooker ! Reach out with your you-know-what And tickle fancies Watch both scrum-halves wheedle legs between legs with number 8s Aim side-kicks to tumble them down flat on face Now inhale long arm-pit fragrance And expel into snorting nostrils Hey ! Cut that exhaust fuming out back there, you 8s ! Exert pressure with cheeks on thighs Slurp up grass and worm-eaten soil With every boot-kick to resist head-on-shoulder thrust Stay put Hold breath Second Half While pushing with all one’s might from the thighs upwards Claw with three fingers : one in ears, the other in mouths and the third in either of the eyes (best when nails have not been cut for three weeks or more) In fact, claw at anything that présents a bulbous jelly-like substance Those gasping for breath in the rear of the pack have to content themselves breathing in spent jettisoned shafts of air forced out by tremendous thrusts Take two steps to the right and then to the left Go back a bit once this way and then the other Now turn the packs around : once, twice, thrice Ladies ! Please ! Dig high heels in hookers’ rumps Riggle Wiggle waggle chops Let paps hang loose and dangle dangle over men’s knees Hold on to any protruding thing ! Over-Time Wheel around sideways thrice Stop ! Take a deep breath Then wheel around and around holding fast to the next player’s shorts Stick tongues out and gasp for breath Wag chins from side to side jammed to opponents’ faces If this doesn’t work Bite ears If this doesn’t still work Try tickling wet torsoes with sticky palms If this too doesn’t work Ladies ! Burp three times in men’s faces And if even this doesn’t work Stand up and fall backwards (if you can) This – sure as hell – will work ! End of Game • Certain infringements of the rules in the game can give rise to the SCRUM which is yet another way to re-start the game. The scrum is formed with eight players from each side. The players come together in a crouching position by interlocking arms and has the following formation : 3-4-1. The referee calls out : « Crouch – Pause – Engage ! », and the two eights of each side ram into each other head on ! The scrum half - the player who stands outside - then rolls the ball into the tunnel formed by the opposing players. The scrum players then try to get possession of the ball with their legs. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013