Refurbished Children's Stories: Goldilocks, But Just Barely

Not much about Goldilocks is really well known, Except she liked to hang out in the woods all alone. Of other customs and habits we have just a splintering: She was whiney, persnickety, And obviously skillful at breaking and entering. No deadbolt or burglar alarm could defy her. A common criminal, then, is how history should try her. The three bears, that morning, had gone outside to forage For sweet berries and nuts they could add to their porridge. On returning, they found this young girl in their bed, And their first misconception was that she was dead. Since she also was human, they were somewhat afraid, But after looking around at the mess she had made, They debated the question of how they should treat her, Then took a quick family vote and opted to eat her. Now, bears are opportunistic, don't adhere to the letter, And when it comes to cuisine, "haute's"* not necessarily better. These three had had Muslim, a Mormon, a Christian, a Jew, And a Tibetan monk, just to mention a few. But they couldn't care less for religious perversity, When it came to free food, they were all for diversity. What they weren't quite sure of was how this one they'd render, Or was she naturally tender because of her gender? So heed this warning all squatters, all beakers and enterers, Before invading the space of homeowners or renterers. Beware lest your miscreant action finagles a sad end, Like our heroine, Who never dreamed, I'll be bound, She would ever be found with three bears chowing down, Complementing their porridge with Goldilocks and bagels. *As in "haute cuisine" (pronounced "oat kwee-zeen"), French for "fine dining".