precious little shadows

I never knew you ... yet you were mine - mine as completely as any other that ever drew breath or dreamed a dream on this unforgiving orb … "The Choice" ... THAT choice, was never ours, you see ... not really … your mother, deathly ill, deteriorating quickly, our hands tied firm by actuality … yet, still ... your faint voice whispered us your tiny heart thrummed, coursing blood your diminutive spirit trembled, vital as the "what ifs" slowly poured gloom into our marrow … oh, how beautiful you would have been, I’m sure - how intelligent and creative and physically gifted full of life and mischievousness, with little quirks that made you ... YOU … how would you have grown? what would have been your joys and fears? your favorite books at bedtime? your special treat on days you were good? your place of refuge when sad? who would have been your first love? what would have been the color of your hair and eyes? would you have looked more like your mother, or more like me? oh, how I've imagined the sound of your giggle, dancing gleeful on the hushed air of morning how I've longed for the press of your little hand in mine - if but to tickle you into joyous submission, to place you on my shoulders and show you the world if only to feel the warm sweep of your candy kiss, sticky and sweet upon my whiskered cheek … oh … countless and oppressive, the nights I’ve laid awake, wondering every little silly thing about you - all the special moments we were robbed of all the extraordinary things you might have said the ways you might have upset me and the special things you might have done to melt my heart and make me forget … the incredible human being you surely would have become or maybe you would have set a new standard for “average” happy to just … BE … yes, untold the moments I have thought of you and all that another life might have spun among us and unfathomable, the chasm of remorse that yawns beneath me - a dark void created at a time and place that is now a lifetime and another world away, myriad and cold, the hidden tears shed at any thoughts … of you … oh, ever beyond reckoning, the times I have wondered if you will be at The Gates to welcome me, if we will recognize each other, (I believe we will) … and if you will come to me, running let me sweep you up in my tender embrace hug me tightly, pressing your cheek to my tears, and whisper soft in my ear ... "I forgive you, Daddy"