my mother

My mother’s daughter “I’m not a monster. I’m a mother.” - every waking day l am my mother’s daughter. from the shining of the floors l sweep to the dusting of the mukwa furniture On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous (novel) I've always wanted to know who my mother was before she had me, before she rearranged the shelves she stacked with her ancient ambitions and replaced them with cups of responsibility, I want to know who my mother was. before I took up so much room, before I took up so much space in her prayers I want to know who my mother prayed for, before she traded her skirt for trousers, before she wiped the tears of abuse and replaced with a beard that slithered in her new masculine life. I want to know who my mother was before she took up the burdensome role of becoming my father too. I want to know about the girl. my mother was. before she traded in all her girl to be my mother... I want to know who my mother is because I’ve seen so many versions of her versions that look like layers l never got to peel off. I want to know who my mother is. because I want to tell her... I want to tell her about the way I want to make her proud, I want to tell her, her strength is what makes me keep believing in future love I want to tell her, that I've always wanted to be her best friend I want to tell her, that no one will ever love her the way l do oh, how I want to tell her that I once liked a boy oh, how I want to tell her, I know what heartbreak feels like... Mom, how I want to tell you all this and more. but I want to first know who my mother was before she had me for I am afraid I am the reason she does not smile often is it me, mother? am I the reason for your lack of happiness? what did you smell like before you had me? how many friends did you have? were you happy before you had me? mother, you were always an aunt to another. a sister to your brother, a wife to my father and in all these roles, this letter to you, mother but who were you before you had me? BY ELSIE TADIWANASHE TINASHE MACHINGURA