Lack of Purpose
Warning, this describes a lot of my thoughts and feelings with regards to a time when I was in a very dark place. I've called this poem Lack of Purpose. You'll see why if you read it. I hope this helps some people become aware of what it can feel like to be depressed and suicidal. I won't tell you to enjoy it, because it's not really meant to be enjoyed.
Lack of Purpose
People will often ask children,
What do you want to do,
When you grow up.
It's very common.
Children from a young age
Are encouraged and told
To find a goal, a dream
To make their very own.
Some excel at it, driven.
And then there are others
that drift through life
And struggle to take hold
To find a dream, a goal
To make come true,
"I don't know what I want to do."
Is something I often said.
And yet, without that dream
Without that goal, to obtain
People begin to lose purpose
They begin to question life,
Their very existence even.
"Why was I born?"
"I'm nothing special."
We begin to feel lost
Loss of hope for the future.
We begin to question
Our self worth,
What we can offer to the world
And sometimes, we think
Can I even do anything?
We doubt our abilities
And eventually believe
That we are worthless.
These questions can lead to the dark
It's these questions that spark
The cold depression inside
The loneliness and despair
So eager a victim to find
At this point, we realise
That we are lost, without direction
Lost, and don't know where to go
And so, lost we remain.
Circling around and around inside
The vicious dark cycle begins.
We may try to find some light
Some small spark or flame
To light our dreary darkness
Some succeed, some do not.
Our thoughts become our prison
Shackled by our pain, doubt and fear
Lost deep, within the prison of the mind
Hollow, empty, but a shell of a person.
Conversation with others becomes dull
We begin to feel disconnected, alienated.
And even though we have loved ones
To watch and care for us
We begin to feel like we are a burden
We begin to think that the world
Would be a better place without us.
And eventually, we feel that nothing
Will ever change these feelings inside
At this point, we contemplate suicide.
Some are strong enough, put the knife down
And say inside themselves,
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
Yet others, crumble and precious life is lost.
And to think that at the end of the day
It all started with a lack of purpose.
Copyright © Caleb Lawrence | Year Posted 2017
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