I Need Quiet

Quiet! Everything around is too loud I can’t stand to be in this crowd Their voices go silent but I can still see their mouths moving They’re giggling, obviously find something amusing Are they laughing at me? Why? What are they saying? I can feel my body swaying I need to get out of here now, right now What can I say, what reason can I use Will they think I’m just making up an excuse To leave. Will they know that I don’t want to be there I nod hoping that he will notice, see my glare Next thing I know I’m in bed, how did I get there? Its dark in here, silent, peaceful No-one judging, talking, staring What’s happening to me Why is no-one caring My head feels heavy, my heart is pounding I feel like screaming, I feel like I’m drowning Is this what happens when your depressed? I don’t know its never happened to me Am I lazy? Miserable? Crabbit? Why can’t I smile? I don’t understand it Trauma they say. Loved ones leaving Causing an empty space. Am I just grieving? My list comprises of: Mother=gone Gran=gone Baby girls=gone Time for help? How do I cope? Will it work? I need to try, can’t stay like this or I’ll go berserk He helps, shows support, my rock Do it for him, my love, go talk They say it helps, talking to strangers I’m scared, nervous, this is a life changer Will I find the old me, is she still there, or gone Please stay with me, get me through this, don’t move on My heart is big, loves a lot, but gets broken I wish I could be outspoken But I suffer in silence, hoping you will know See the signs, my mood, my slow tempo Its not easy, living with me, like this But please just hold me, tell me it will be ok, give me a kiss The day comes, the start, time to tell What’s been happening, my hell I nearly died, I tell the whole script How I lay on my bed, in pain, how I slipped Into darkness, alone, is it time to go? My life had only just got better, then the blow I’m lying on a bed, a bright light coming towards me Not yet! Then he stops me. Its ok, you’re free You’ve been in mourning, a child, a survival Time to get strong but not today Come back, talk more about the deprival Of you’re life. Its going to be okay He was my saviour, changed my outlook I got a job, made new friends, got married Now I’m writing a book About me. Who will read it? Do I care? I’m stronger now, but still aware Of the signs. They never leave But they’re in a box now, and I do believe There’s no more darkness in my life, only joy Thanks to the love and support of my two boys