I Am Not My Fear
I feel I am drowning
In open air,
Clawing at dirt that isn’t there
No one sees my distress—
No one really cares
Clacking, scraping sounds
Of glasses and plates
Echoes of breathing and voices
Assault my senses,
And still I cannot breathe…
Even as I am safe,
My mind leaves me terrified
My heart clamors in each darting beat,
My legs tense and twist below me
The noise rattles me,
Though somehow I remain still
This mass that is me reviles itself,
It means to move and remove itself,
Though in obligation,
Cannot budge
For so long have I known you all,
Why then, do I feel like a stranger in a foreign place?
Like a stricken stray dog,
Filthy and lost,
As you ignore me with no ounce of pity
I can hear their whispers—
They think I'm not listening,
And they think I don't care
They’re wrong...
I cannot handle the overload of senses
I do not wish to be rude
I am not stand-offish on purpose
I wish you knew...
I wish you knew...
How hard it is just to say "hello"
Even to you,
Whom I have known all my life…
I wish I could turn it off
I wish I could be normal
I wish...I wish
I wasn’t afraid,
But I am…
I mean not to lock myself away,
To never venture past the safety of my own mind
I wish to call for help but I choke on the words
And look for a sweet Escape—
A place for my own mind
Without Reality pressing down
Anxiously I await your departure,
Just as all the others have fled
Wrath left behind their wake…
I watch lonely—helpless to reach out
Useless in my own body mind and soul
I'm drowning on land
With no escape
Though it ails me and paralyzes me,
I am not my fear…
Sometimes even fantasy does not alleviate the pain,
And in its depths,
I wander and wonder with distain,
All I want you to know is that I am more than what I seem,
That in this state, I can never be what I want to be,
But I promise you, this is not all
There is so much more to me
And I struggle so frail to stand tall,
What I am just isn’t what you see,
So as I leave, as was meant to be,
Just know how much you mean to me
Don’t give up when I take a plunge into the deep ends of woe,
Just wait for me on the surface,
For time and solitude will ease me back
So that much more of me you shall know
If I flake, I do not dislike you,
Suffocating outside these walls
Whenever I leave, I need to recharge
You may not see me
For days, for weeks, maybe months,
But I love you still and wish for your company
Alongside me in my comfort place,
In my happy silent solitude
But to have you with me
Would make my day—my year
To know, to see that you care
I wish for you
To be around
To be okay with staying inside
I wish
That I could decline invitations
Without being considered rude
...no,
I wish I could be normal like you
I wish I could be normal...
Your normal
I wish I wouldn't burden you
I wish I could turn it off
And never let turn back on
But there is no switch...
There is only me
The freak that burdens your day
Perhaps though,
I should not trust these feelings
That burn the very life out of me
At times I cannot tell these lies from the truth
For this anxiety drowns all reason,
Controlling me,
The currents of frustration thrashing me down
And perhaps it is true,
That in my mind more than yours,
I have let you down,
That I have disappointed and failed you,
And in the suffocating blackness there is no hope for recovery
No white cloth, to wipe this grimy slate clean
Just trust in my heart,
And know that the fear is not me,
And that I love you more than you will ever believe
A collaboration with my best friend Rebecca Larkin, on behalf of anxiety
Copyright © Laura Breidenthal | Year Posted 2015
Post Comments
Poetrysoup is an environment of encouragement and growth so only provide specific positive comments that indicate what you appreciate about the poem. Negative comments will result your account being banned.
Please
Login
to post a comment