I Am Not My Fear

I feel I am drowning In open air, Clawing at dirt that isn’t there No one sees my distress— No one really cares Clacking, scraping sounds Of glasses and plates Echoes of breathing and voices Assault my senses, And still I cannot breathe… Even as I am safe, My mind leaves me terrified My heart clamors in each darting beat, My legs tense and twist below me The noise rattles me, Though somehow I remain still This mass that is me reviles itself, It means to move and remove itself, Though in obligation, Cannot budge For so long have I known you all, Why then, do I feel like a stranger in a foreign place? Like a stricken stray dog, Filthy and lost, As you ignore me with no ounce of pity I can hear their whispers— They think I'm not listening, And they think I don't care They’re wrong... I cannot handle the overload of senses I do not wish to be rude I am not stand-offish on purpose I wish you knew... I wish you knew... How hard it is just to say "hello" Even to you, Whom I have known all my life… I wish I could turn it off I wish I could be normal I wish...I wish I wasn’t afraid, But I am… I mean not to lock myself away, To never venture past the safety of my own mind I wish to call for help but I choke on the words And look for a sweet Escape— A place for my own mind Without Reality pressing down Anxiously I await your departure, Just as all the others have fled Wrath left behind their wake… I watch lonely—helpless to reach out Useless in my own body mind and soul I'm drowning on land With no escape Though it ails me and paralyzes me, I am not my fear… Sometimes even fantasy does not alleviate the pain, And in its depths, I wander and wonder with distain, All I want you to know is that I am more than what I seem, That in this state, I can never be what I want to be, But I promise you, this is not all There is so much more to me And I struggle so frail to stand tall, What I am just isn’t what you see, So as I leave, as was meant to be, Just know how much you mean to me Don’t give up when I take a plunge into the deep ends of woe, Just wait for me on the surface, For time and solitude will ease me back So that much more of me you shall know If I flake, I do not dislike you, Suffocating outside these walls Whenever I leave, I need to recharge You may not see me For days, for weeks, maybe months, But I love you still and wish for your company Alongside me in my comfort place, In my happy silent solitude But to have you with me Would make my day—my year To know, to see that you care I wish for you To be around To be okay with staying inside I wish That I could decline invitations Without being considered rude ...no, I wish I could be normal like you I wish I could be normal... Your normal I wish I wouldn't burden you I wish I could turn it off And never let turn back on But there is no switch... There is only me The freak that burdens your day Perhaps though, I should not trust these feelings That burn the very life out of me At times I cannot tell these lies from the truth For this anxiety drowns all reason, Controlling me, The currents of frustration thrashing me down And perhaps it is true, That in my mind more than yours, I have let you down, That I have disappointed and failed you, And in the suffocating blackness there is no hope for recovery No white cloth, to wipe this grimy slate clean Just trust in my heart, And know that the fear is not me, And that I love you more than you will ever believe A collaboration with my best friend Rebecca Larkin, on behalf of anxiety