Gasping For Care

I woke up this morning A stormy pattern of thoughts My pillow wet from tears Feelings of isolation Lack of love Family desertion I woke up this morning Alone with my thoughts Leaning over as I walked Hunchback across the room From my heavy heart I reached out and asked Why do you ignore me Am I unworthy of your love You enjoy the power play of separation Do you not see my torment From the isolation My penance for speaking truth A truth you wish to ignore Let’s put our collective heads in the sand The grains of pain will blow away if we do And when I fell down Slipping on my tears My fear of rejection came true With the simple question What happened to you With words of truth You think I’m self indulgent and irrelevant So I bury everything inside Waiting for it to reappear Another time when I’m stronger Maybe I can handle your rejection When I screamed to you I need you The deafness was shrill Your collective heads in the sand again It’s easier to ignore an ugly memory Than to look fear in the face You needed me in ancient times When no one else could help And yet when I reached out You ignored me All those years of pain Come around again I’m the easy target to place the blame The old man is gone now My ultimate fear of facing him down In his time of dire need From this distance I cared While you chose to ignore him And he died a slow death And when he passed You cut me out And watched me bleed Isolation is my penance For loving the best I could Years from now If the circumstances are right You might look back on this And wonder what happened to the girl Full of promise Full of love Full of expectations The rubbish only remains There’s no one else to blame But myself for my weakness For allowing your permeation of vengeance Isolation is the name of the game I don’t dare reach out They will engrave upon me Their version of their memory While watching me Falling into the crevice of deep sadness Bleeding to death The pain in my heart And they don’t care And I’m not allowed to share So I’m left alone with my thoughts Waking up to tears on my pillow Drowning a slow death Gasping for care