Eve and the Apple

Have you ever wanted something so bad? because you know you can't have it motherhood is something I'm expected to conform to I never liked to conform, yet I always did being a mum was always on my timeline though it was always fluctuating, as was the guy but finally I have, the right guy, the perfect guy and I'm forced to rip out his tortured heart I have to look my god given soulmate in the eye and utter the shattering words that I'm infertile I'm infertile, the pain of writing it stings my spirit so how on god's green earth am I suppose to say it I now understand why Eve reached for the apple, it's biologically driven into us since we were kids if someone tells us we can't have something all we want, is to have it, even if that person is god though it was an act of defiance, I'm proud you picked the apple even though women around the world say you screwed us because we're the ones that have to suffer, suffer the periods, the cramps, the dreaded birth what they don't realise is you gave us a gift an ability that only one man in history has ever acquired the earthshaking ability to create life and these women take it for granted the only quotes I like are from the bible but the one I related to the most is, "you don't know what you've got until it's gone" a quote so simple and known that people brush it off I never wanted kids that badly, but now I can't there's nothing more in existence I want more the hope, the dream is in the forefront of my brain playing over and over and it'll never go away knowing that a tiny human, half me, half him will never be born that a part of me will never get to live on that the bloodline dies with an only child like me the notion freezes my body in time and space if I'm unable to come to terms with this nightmare how can I tell my other half, that I can't gift him someone that's half him it seems impossible, as I've always encapsulated my faith in God and Jesus how can I trust this denomination, if it's betrayed my right to conform why did Eve's saint-like act jump, hop and skip over me why can't I do, what I was made do to, born to do did I piss of the tall and mighty man in the sky the one I've devoted my wisdom, fortune, and luck to am I being punished for something I did or didn't do why can't I be punished with, the cramps, the morning sickness, the insomnia, parenthood, and everything else instead God punish me like you punished Eve, please punish me like you punished Eve