Cry
Tonight, I cry for myself
I cry because I’m feeling so hopeless, helpless and lost
Maybe it sounds absurd, but I need to reset
To release, to be able to raise my spirits again
It’s sad how everything turned out to be
A reality I can’t run away from, I can’t hide and I am so tired of confrontation
Exhausting to keep up a brave face during the day, to be strong for other people
But, in the midnight hours, I smother my sobs in my pillow, like so often before
Where no one can hear; no one can see
I feel ashamed, for I am so blessed; I have so much to be thankful for, but
Tonight I am overcome with feelings of sadness and uncertainty
What I long for will remain an illusion, a dream unable to be brought to life
My dreams are not those lined out in the stars
My needs, my desires not to be met and fulfilled on this earth
I have to find a way to make peace, no matter how difficult or impossible it seems
I need to find a way to live, to be able to live my life with the least regrets and most memories
Even if it means to be a false prophet in my own eyes, when they stare back at me in the mirror
I need to sacrifice who and what I want, to be able to find peace within my core
Some kind of satisfaction, to make sense of my being here
I cry for my soul that’ll be terminated when I lay my head down for the last time
No more changes of life to be lived again
I can’t ignore who I am, the choices I have made, get away from my responsibilities
I have made a vow as a wife and mother, to give my best
Although it often feel I’m am failing
At least no one can take away my spirit
I feel broken, my heart’s aching
Tonight I need to cry; to release all the hurt inside to be able to continue being strong
Strong for myself, for my children
I find comfort in simple things:
My children’s laughter, my cats, a song, a bright blue sunny sky, a full moon
That is what’s helping me keep my sanity
I cry because sometimes the unbearable weight of being gets too heavy to carry on my own
I cry because I have to draw strength from deep within myself to keep up this charade
To believe I was born for a reason, to mean something lasting to someone
To leave a shadow, not cast one
I cry because the loneliness sometimes threaten to overwhelm me
Slowly clawing and gnawing at my heart
But I need to face the music
This is my reality and I have to make do with it on my own
I cry because I can’t stand the hurting or to be pained again
Maybe it can be my survival strategy;
To shut myself to humankind from now on
In the end it is a lot of words for something (maybe) quite simple…for what I want, I can’t have
What I need for my own peace of mind and salvation might be the answer to accept the things seemingly unchangeable
I’ll cry, I’ll lose myself for a while
And when I look up, I’ll be able to face myself again
At least for a while
Copyright © Yolanda Wessels | Year Posted 2015
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