Brain Damage

Pain settles in quite instantly your senses are totally unprepared for this graveness the notion to sleep sets in like an energetic twilight phase the injury abruptly strangles thought my ears are always ringing with this strange metallic taste on my tongue my limbs are numb I weep a lot for no reasons out burst of grief for the person I once was before this car bomb ignited my face crushing all the bones in my face my eye socket fell into my cheek I remember seeing this pinkish beige substance on the windshield and dashboard amazingly I glance in the mirror and saw my eye dangling underneath I noticed the pinkish beige substance had been blown out splattered across the vehicle I began piecing it back under my eye packing it like play doe fixing my face in shock everything went cold on this warm day citrus aroma covered the highway from rows of orange groves melancholy matter this feeling is ongoing through medical treatment cognitive teaching an yet pain and suffering continues ignited by light sound taste severe stress I awaken to death my untimely death I envision myself deceased even thou I know I survived the bones in my skull bites the nerve endings as I'm rushed into a dark place isolated no sound I'm empty lost receiving twelve nerve block injections every month painful struggling with anxiety depression ptsd panting panic attacks getting some solace from medications as I awake sleeping I sleep awake dreaming while awake DAYTIME SLEEP APNEA takes over i want to vomit pain creeps across my forehead attaching to the actual impact where my head slammed I wonder who I am in this state of brain injury healing brings comfort a weary gesture over shadows my waking hours I feel numb afraid to feel anything due to the long lasting effect borrowed from my mind captured in a sullen notion of health crying hurts my head honesty I'm thinking of dying as a relief the end of severe traumatic headaches the physical sleep state to allow my brain respite quiet time away from the wrath of pain of suffrage I saw myself deceased again i could see on lookers saying she looks so natural why no one knew the extent of her pain she's in a better place now her pain and suffering is no more fear sets in arouses me to try and move my legs am I dreaming why can't I move my legs cataplexy I struggle to move them but they are weak and very heavy gravely I realize I want to live I should want to live what will my family think was she a coward to want to leave us she was so upbeat happy laughing all the time suffering so horribly I'm in a state grateful for great doctors not grateful living with pain mental diseases emotional diseases flash backs wearing wires pregnant for the FBI brutal beatings from domestic violence oh how strong she is how she survived living in a state of panic hated I don't like her timid afraid broken bruised lifeless brain dead can she here us can she feel the pokes her eyes are blinking her limbs are jerking wake up agent Braun wake up we're all here we're not going to let you die I think to myself I'm already dead trying not to disappoint my neurologist who always say you're so brave my psychiatrist tells me you're doing so much better my therapist say's you've come along way an yet deep sadness overwhelming tears tears tears puffy eyes ears ringing a new day same dawn it's okay not to feel good all the time it's okay to be sad alone afraid masking it all by one great big smile followed by I'm okay I'm blessed knowing i am totally drained on a ledge afraid to actually jump i don't dare go out in traffic nearly walked in front of a bus in that moment i knew it would be over quickly but what if I'm blessed enough to survive even more pain so I abandoned that kind of harsh sudden death my brain hurt filled with sheer confusion achiness shadows my existence medication quickly blocks suicide thoughts replacing them by forced rushing memory of my calm place Frauenkirche our lady of Munich seated in the garden pollen tickles my nose i sneeze and laugh a little a giant plane goes over head i embrace the return of yet another traumatic event the smell of flowers replaced with smoke i don't like it here don't take me there i don't want to remember buildings burning screams wails sirens panting going undercover wearing wires for the FBI hearing my fetus heartbeat thee arsons vaguely i try and stay focused on the here and now my calm place my eyes are closed soothing myself but the pain in my head is drifting backwards renouncing coping my mind struggles to think without pain to breathe without panting would be the greatest achievement so i try it deep at first then shallow deep then shallow tears roll panic attacks always seems to make me cry because i feel like my breath is being taking away it's returning to normal there's a small heavenly hue in view faint hues I seek solace and peace falling in love with myself again i want to hold her and say I'm so sorry I frightened her she is very kind to me we've been through so many challenges and she's never ever left me this state is tricky for me due to several altar egos they rarely appear only during fight flight panic mode when i just cannot function without breaking down my therapist said there could be at least seven different races and ages the youngest one is indeed the strongest we all protect her i won't name her she's just the kidd Mary me full of grace usually causes the weeping she's so sensitive but the weeping takes my breath away my throat closes up my therapist is startled today we are all staring back at her she's fascinated I'm stuck panting breathing panting breathing my eyes are so puffy rubbing my hands together I'm filled with fear my heart racing reliving madness wrath traumatic events this sends signals to thee other alter egos saving me from the sudden onset of my very own wonderful death