Alien Instructions Upon Landing
When you find a marble in your hand or head
(And you will because it will be roundish)
Hurl it immediately at humans to get attention
It is abnormal to own an unhurled marble
Unheard of and Earthlings get suspicious
When you don't fling things in their direction
Never take your head off in public or at bus stops
Keep them on a table next to the oatmeal box
Face North towards traffic when on highways
Get out of your car for best results at night
Avoid tickets and crashes when necessary
Eventually you will get caught because
The third eye on your forehead stands out
You could end up in Arizona dissected on a slab
Placed on a petri dish for inspection or worse
On the menu in a California restaurant
As the dinner spaceman specimen special
Beware of duck tape and duct tape as they are confusing
Avoid long tubes and walks in the park due to muggings
Keep an abundant amount of wallets in your pouch
These savages use probes in unheard of places
Stay clear from girls named Sue or Bob
Hide your space craft in a corn field or swamp
Never at a parking spot without exact change
You will be ticketed and towed at owners expense
Never use a cemetery without a shovel and map
Never drink the water in foreign lands or planets
Shave only in the dark with blazing lasers
If you must use a toilet lift the seat
Leave the light on in case of emergencies
These creatures are heathens with sharp teeth
Some go to church or bark at the moon
Hands are used for working and picking noses
(Read about noses in the manual)
If you can't find it use the hand book on faces
Or Google it on Facebook if you are lazy
Feet are used for walking (Don't talk to them)
English is a second language so use it twice
Be normal because insanity is not nice
It is not polite to call people crazy but do it anyway
If you must mate outside your species use protection
Scanners work best for ladies
Hammers and nails for men
If you forget their names call them “Hey you.”
The best advice on blending in with humans is;
Look them in the two eyes on their faces
Don't look for another one or ask if they misplaced it
(Eyes are not to be confused with marbles)
Say hello and rob them when they sleep
Look both ways when stepping into traffic
If you get hit call for backup
If you get arrested (And you will)
Use your visas and say you are from France
(Without a speech impediment from Mars)
Everyone loves the French and their foreign fries
It is good to have an alibi when coming from the sky
Copyright © Earl Schumacker | Year Posted 2020
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