a letter to my father

I grew up thinking you were my world, my hero and my knight but you became my monster, my enemy and my fear. At a young age I didn’t pick up on the beer bottles, glasses of port or the smokes you would go through in a day. I will always remember the objects that would been thrown around during arguments or the smell of port on your breath when screaming at me or even the fear that took over my body when I saw the look in your eyes every time you drank and your anger took over. I wish I could say you are still my hero but when I look at you all I feel is anger, hate and fear towards you nothing else not even love. I remember you would always promise me you would stop drinking and smoking like at new year’s when I was 10 or when you sat down on the end of my bed telling me you would stop this is my last chance, I won’t mess it up again and even after being kicked out, you still drank and drove me home swerving on the roads, after all those promises, you would still start drinking and smoking. You always ask for my forgiveness or ask for another chance and then get surprised when I say no., I don’t see you as a dad anymore I see you as the guy who made it hard for me to come home to my own house or the guy who would drink so much the smell of port became a stench.