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Shame and Guilt Sabotaged Mine Healthy Growth
Shame and guilt sabotaged mine healthy growth... and let yours truly not forget emasculation that prickly emotional immobilization whereby these lovely bones subject courtesy senescence upon cremation reduced to obliteration. Inching closer to mortality linkedin with concomitant subtle deterioration of body electric finds yours truly (me) speculating what happens to corporeal essence when sprawled out on deathbed able, eager, ready, and willing to give up the ghost. Resultant baby boomer saddled with unbridled tumultuousness stirrup (thus his need to pony up) with delayed emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual development necessitating self advocacy at present stage of mine existence, especially where crisis brews, concerning fruit flies (Drosophila melanogaster) called apartment unit b44 their home turf. These pesky, itsy bitsy teeny weeny, blimey insects hold Guiness Book of World Records to bring about infestation faster than you can say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious within our living quarters. An adult female fruit fly can lay up to 2,000 eggs on the surface of anything moist and rotting. Within 30 hours, tiny maggots hatch and start to eat decayed food. Within 2 days, they attain adulthood grown up and ready to mate, too. While that transition may seem quick, a fruit fly only lives 8 to 15 days. Run in with management finds innate susceptibility with anxiety skyrocketing, cuz umpteen instances called out about pestiferous critters supposedly being out of compliance when aforementioned issue necessitated exterminator technician (on quite a few occasions), unbeknownst to us until then warden Jackie Geiger summoned us into the principal's office, we got pleasantly informed suddenly finds yours truly and the missus in violation of rental contract. Agitation swirls (think F/EF5 tornado) viciously storming inside me psyche analogous to whirling dervish wreaking psychological havoc. Resultant outcome with threat of eviction, triggered a slew of physiological symptoms; I experience full blown panic attack, whereby irritable bowel syndrome kickstarted insync with palmar hyperhidrosis psychologically run me ragged. Linkedin and in tandem with current stress (worse case scenario being homeless) compounded by tsunami courtesy severe mental health issues stifled healthy growth of body, mind, and spirit triage. Internalized emotions wrought quotidian psychological oppression retrospective reflection courtesy 20/20 hindsight reveals absolute zero positive natural development of body, mind, and spirit extreme cerebral agitation, and social withdrawal compromised (during metamorphosis to manhood) kickstarting and jumpstarting prepubescence quashing, sabotaging, upending, wrenching maturation, education, and socialization every year since being born free and clear of obvious defects minus alien aberration, Russian collusion..., or basket of deplorable dysfunction crooked Hillary accusation, and submucous cleft palate inducing severe nasality fraught with arduous speaking difficulty coping, fraternizing, integrating within ordinary circumstances alienated, defied, horrified, mortified, scared, and (frankly) zapped yours truly, albeit analogous experiencing ferocious, hellacious, torturous... suffering predicated on suppressing and/or repressing moderate slights inflicted upon withdrawn younger self, who lacked adroit, deft, heft... coping with typical situations subsequently aggravating, exacerbating, jinxing... to cultivate, generate, liberate locked potential hypothesized, premised, yoked infantile grievous inconsolable crying unsolved behavioral mystery venting only for my "mommy dearest," would utter (this from hearsay) exhibiting extreme aversion if other than thee birth mother comforted, cradled, cocooned..., an extremely reticent individual buckling as strapping bullies relentlessly belted jibed, taunted... said teasing begat intimidation (oft times mentioned in other poems) scrawny kid (me) cowed, fawned, irked, nonetheless I remained passive against blistering, hectoring, teasing, which apothegm turning other cheek avoided getting smashed pumpkin face courtesy subservient stance devotional acquiescence help me dog pose prayer temporarily answered harboring entire being ten thousand feet beneath avast sea of dejection time and again repeated alas crass harassment absorbed into nucleus of every cell anchored barnacle encrusted tenuous pride in short shrift brewing, abjection, dejection, humiliation... "NOT FAKE" misery inducing suicidal ideation (and actual attempt courtesy anorexia nervosa) spurring serious delineation allowing, enabling, proffering permanent salvation uber vacation to give lyft among livingsocial years later overlaid earthshaking starry eyed son fault finding fundamentally misbehavior gifted from those I called mother and father.
Copyright © 2024 Matthew Harris. All Rights Reserved

Book: Reflection on the Important Things