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I went out on Friday In entirely in the wrong frame of mind but everything was fine, although I've analysed myself in hindsight to within an inch of my life. Had a lift that arrived early so put make up on when I arrived and wore an outfit I hadn't had chance to consider - physically I was eye catching and stood out. It was 80s and I have many authentic items of interest and chose a gothic nod towards a cocktail dress with many bracelets and punk hook and eye three quarter length gloves and red shoes. I sat with a friend of a friend I'd met a few times before whilst we waited for the others. I opted in immediately on cocktails and it drew some interest as I did shots at the bar at 5:30pm - I qualified my actions, it had been a long week. Then my friend of a friend said "I love it when you are out. You are the most fascinating person, so pretty, entertaining, engaging and draw people in. I just love being out with you..." I said, "let me get a record of what you just said" and grabbed my phone. She said "you aren't recording me you weirdo" and I said "I'm just writing it down". She said "phone me anytime and I'll tell you". After that everyone else arrived and I was reasonable company, ate all the halloumi and finished off friend of a friend's onion rings. I stopped drinking for a while after my initial flurry of knocking them back (because I'm actually a light weight - obviously moved on to Guinness later as it compliments a black outfit so beautifully and I drink it slowly) At the main venue I fluctuated between greatest dancer and person with a face on her depending on the music. It was 80s and 90s and I was too cool for 90s club music at the time as I was and am most at home in a rock club. The thing that opened my eyes was being aware of how my mood was received by my friends and friends of friends. They accepted it. No judgement. I like some stuff and don't like others. They liked the 90s stuff and sought me out when the antidote to my face came on. And I'd skip out onto the dance floor and feel like the ultimate dancer again full of smiles. I didn't ruin anyone's night, I was just given my space and told I was a bit of an expletive when I stood in the rain on my phone at one point and no one knew where I was... Everyone just cheered as I reappeared and we all got on with dancing. I love that. Absolutely love it. My friend also said I'm very likely to get stuff played if I just asked, the DJ indeed boosted my confidence in exactly the way I like by offering me 100% attention on approach and playing what I wanted immediately. I'm not sure how I'll feel when I lose my touch which I think is possibly entirely based on black eyeliner and blue eyes. I'm invited again, I'm in the Whataspp for a hen do, I'm in all the good books... Somewhere amongst it all the actual person I am exists. I may be invisible, the fascinating entity, not the greatest dancer but liberated and with the right amount of rhythm and flexibility to be compelling when I'm lost in the music... I know my view of me doesn't match the reception I receive. I'm liked. I can't figure it out as I push my luck but should I reinvent myself as what 'good company' is supposed to look like I'd fail. Sometimes I feel I'm all edges but no one seems to mind, they just tell me to never change... Everyone loves my honesty, I people please by pleasing myself - if I show I like them they know I'm not just being polite. I wish I had a clue what needs toning down and what I need to up. I'm existing very well amongst my tribe right now and have for years. I've had a few non tribe attempts and I feel out of place but that's the wrong company. The dog hasn't met anyone he'd rather snuggle with. I'm too out there right now with authencity, it's dangerous, what if I'm shut down? I should thank my friends for accepting me but they'll tell me to shut up, I should thank the dog (I might, he's right up in my face aiming for the snuggle to end all snuggles right now.... Haha I did and he went in for a kiss, he knows I love him) Who am I and what am I doing here? I'm lucky I just let that thought float away sometimes as it's the heaviest thought ever...

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Who, What, Where Oh Shut Up Self

I went out on Friday In entirely in the wrong frame of mind but everything was fine, although I've analysed myself in hindsight to within an inch of my life. Had a lift that arrived early so put make up on when I arrived and wore an outfit I hadn't had chance to consider - physically I was eye catching and stood out. It was 80s and I have many authentic items of interest and chose a gothic nod towards a cocktail dress with many bracelets and punk hook and eye three quarter length gloves and red shoes. I sat with a friend of a friend I'd met a few times before whilst we waited for the others. I opted in immediately on cocktails and it drew some interest as I did shots at the bar at 5:30pm - I qualified my actions, it had been a long week. Then my friend of a friend said "I love it when you are out. You are the most fascinating person, so pretty, entertaining, engaging and draw people in. I just love being out with you..." I said, "let me get a record of what you just said" and grabbed my phone. She said "you aren't recording me you weirdo" and I said "I'm just writing it down". She said "phone me anytime and I'll tell you". After that everyone else arrived and I was reasonable company, ate all the halloumi and finished off friend of a friend's onion rings. I stopped drinking for a while after my initial flurry of knocking them back (because I'm actually a light weight - obviously moved on to Guinness later as it compliments a black outfit so beautifully and I drink it slowly) At the main venue I fluctuated between greatest dancer and person with a face on her depending on the music. It was 80s and 90s and I was too cool for 90s club music at the time as I was and am most at home in a rock club. The thing that opened my eyes was being aware of how my mood was received by my friends and friends of friends. They accepted it. No judgement. I like some stuff and don't like others. They liked the 90s stuff and sought me out when the antidote to my face came on. And I'd skip out onto the dance floor and feel like the ultimate dancer again full of smiles. I didn't ruin anyone's night, I was just given my space and told I was a bit of an expletive when I stood in the rain on my phone at one point and no one knew where I was... Everyone just cheered as I reappeared and we all got on with dancing. I love that. Absolutely love it. My friend also said I'm very likely to get stuff played if I just asked, the DJ indeed boosted my confidence in exactly the way I like by offering me 100% attention on approach and playing what I wanted immediately. I'm not sure how I'll feel when I lose my touch which I think is possibly entirely based on black eyeliner and blue eyes. I'm invited again, I'm in the Whataspp for a hen do, I'm in all the good books... Somewhere amongst it all the actual person I am exists. I may be invisible, the fascinating entity, not the greatest dancer but liberated and with the right amount of rhythm and flexibility to be compelling when I'm lost in the music... I know my view of me doesn't match the reception I receive. I'm liked. I can't figure it out as I push my luck but should I reinvent myself as what 'good company' is supposed to look like I'd fail. Sometimes I feel I'm all edges but no one seems to mind, they just tell me to never change... Everyone loves my honesty, I people please by pleasing myself - if I show I like them they know I'm not just being polite. I wish I had a clue what needs toning down and what I need to up. I'm existing very well amongst my tribe right now and have for years. I've had a few non tribe attempts and I feel out of place but that's the wrong company. The dog hasn't met anyone he'd rather snuggle with. I'm too out there right now with authencity, it's dangerous, what if I'm shut down? I should thank my friends for accepting me but they'll tell me to shut up, I should thank the dog (I might, he's right up in my face aiming for the snuggle to end all snuggles right now.... Haha I did and he went in for a kiss, he knows I love him) Who am I and what am I doing here? I'm lucky I just let that thought float away sometimes as it's the heaviest thought ever...

Book: Reflection on the Important Things