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My wife and I were traveling down the road one afternoon When she said, “Honey, I could use a pit-stop pretty soon.” Now…we all know the feeling when old Mother Nature calls, So I said, “As you wish, my pet. Let’s watch for antique malls. “They’ve got restrooms, and, who knows…perhaps we’ll find a shop That has the kind of things we like.” She said, “That’s fine. Just stop!” In just a few more miles we saw this great big, fancy sign. I felt my heart begin to throb, my eyes begin to shine. It read, “Don’t miss ‘The Mansion’. Several floors of fine antiques. 60 dealers. Restrooms. Open 7 days a week.” It wasn’t at the exit, but a little arrow said, “To The Mansion, fine antiques, just 15 miles ahead.” I wisely tried to slide a little closer to my door, When Mildred pulled that angry look she’s actually famous for, As I, without a word, would simply quiz her with a glance, And glaring back at me she snapped, “Suppose I pee my pants?” “You can make it, sugar pie. Just squeeze those little cheeks. You know I’d do the same for you. Just think about antiques.” Well that was not exactly what I really should have said. If looks could kill I’d not be here to write this…I’d be dead. “Now, snookums, just stay calm, because I promise you I’ll drive Just as fast as I can go. We’re doing 65! “It isn’t far. You’ll make it, hon.’ We’re nearly halfway there.” But as I carefully watched the road, I felt the icy stare. “We could use a roll-top desk.” (I tried to ease her pain.) I took a peek to check her thoughts, afraid to speak again. 4 more…3 more…2 more miles…at 1 more mile away, I finally mustered up the nerve to turn to her and say, “Sweetheart, don’t forget that…if the ‘Ladies’ is in use… You can always use the ‘Mens’…I know a good excuse. “I’ll tell the people at the desk…after you have peed… You grew up in a foster home, and never learned to read.” But just as Mildred’s back-hand found my unsuspecting face, I knew my life was over as we pulled into the place. With what the signs had said no one could ever have supposed They’d find a building standing there…abandoned…empty…closed! With Mildred twisting wildly in her seat so close to me… And nothing else with restrooms for as far as I could see… I turned to her and yelled, “I can’t believe this kind of crap.” (Now…I can understand the dirty look…but not the slap.) “How was I to know,” I whined. She screamed, “Just find a town. And Stanley…I can promise you…you’ll never live this down.” I roared back down the highway heading back to whence we came, Knowing just how mad she was, (she’d called me by my name!!). This day had very fast become the worst in all my life, As I sped down the road with bloody nose…and ticked-off wife. Just twenty minutes later, as I stood dispensing gas, And Mildred found, at last, a place to park her massive…butt, I thought about that billboard, telling what and when and where, And realized the owner of the business…didn’t care. We’d driven thirty miles to find a shop that’s long been closed Though advertised as “open”…and I felt that we’d been hosed. With Mildred back to halfway sweet, I said, “This just ain’t right. I’ve got a really great idea. We’ll stop here for the night.” We grabbed a couple burgers and we got ourselves a room, Then I began to calculate that lying billboard’s doom. While Mildred slept…between the hours of three o’clock and four… I slipped out of our room and quietly closed the pickup door. I drove back to the exit where the great “deceiver” stood, And turned the lights off, backed on in, and hooked the chain up good, Then slipped ‘er in to 4-wheel drive, and gave ‘er all she had. But that was when the evil plan I had went really bad. It must have rained the night before. I wound up getting stuck. And as the day was dawning - and they’d come to free my truck - I stood there taking tickets from a cop…and paying fines. He didn’t give a hoot about the two deceiving signs. But I would learn a lesson, and, my friend…I’ll tell you this; If you’re ever traveling - and your “cupcake” needs to…“go”… Don’t be fool enough to make her wait…it’s best to stop, But I will not forgive my wife for winking at that cop.

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Mildred and Stanley - Both Audio and Text

My wife and I were traveling down the road one afternoon When she said, “Honey, I could use a pit-stop pretty soon.” Now…we all know the feeling when old Mother Nature calls, So I said, “As you wish, my pet. Let’s watch for antique malls. “They’ve got restrooms, and, who knows…perhaps we’ll find a shop That has the kind of things we like.” She said, “That’s fine. Just stop!” In just a few more miles we saw this great big, fancy sign. I felt my heart begin to throb, my eyes begin to shine. It read, “Don’t miss ‘The Mansion’. Several floors of fine antiques. 60 dealers. Restrooms. Open 7 days a week.” It wasn’t at the exit, but a little arrow said, “To The Mansion, fine antiques, just 15 miles ahead.” I wisely tried to slide a little closer to my door, When Mildred pulled that angry look she’s actually famous for, As I, without a word, would simply quiz her with a glance, And glaring back at me she snapped, “Suppose I pee my pants?” “You can make it, sugar pie. Just squeeze those little cheeks. You know I’d do the same for you. Just think about antiques.” Well that was not exactly what I really should have said. If looks could kill I’d not be here to write this…I’d be dead. “Now, snookums, just stay calm, because I promise you I’ll drive Just as fast as I can go. We’re doing 65! “It isn’t far. You’ll make it, hon.’ We’re nearly halfway there.” But as I carefully watched the road, I felt the icy stare. “We could use a roll-top desk.” (I tried to ease her pain.) I took a peek to check her thoughts, afraid to speak again. 4 more…3 more…2 more miles…at 1 more mile away, I finally mustered up the nerve to turn to her and say, “Sweetheart, don’t forget that…if the ‘Ladies’ is in use… You can always use the ‘Mens’…I know a good excuse. “I’ll tell the people at the desk…after you have peed… You grew up in a foster home, and never learned to read.” But just as Mildred’s back-hand found my unsuspecting face, I knew my life was over as we pulled into the place. With what the signs had said no one could ever have supposed They’d find a building standing there…abandoned…empty…closed! With Mildred twisting wildly in her seat so close to me… And nothing else with restrooms for as far as I could see… I turned to her and yelled, “I can’t believe this kind of crap.” (Now…I can understand the dirty look…but not the slap.) “How was I to know,” I whined. She screamed, “Just find a town. And Stanley…I can promise you…you’ll never live this down.” I roared back down the highway heading back to whence we came, Knowing just how mad she was, (she’d called me by my name!!). This day had very fast become the worst in all my life, As I sped down the road with bloody nose…and ticked-off wife. Just twenty minutes later, as I stood dispensing gas, And Mildred found, at last, a place to park her massive…butt, I thought about that billboard, telling what and when and where, And realized the owner of the business…didn’t care. We’d driven thirty miles to find a shop that’s long been closed Though advertised as “open”…and I felt that we’d been hosed. With Mildred back to halfway sweet, I said, “This just ain’t right. I’ve got a really great idea. We’ll stop here for the night.” We grabbed a couple burgers and we got ourselves a room, Then I began to calculate that lying billboard’s doom. While Mildred slept…between the hours of three o’clock and four… I slipped out of our room and quietly closed the pickup door. I drove back to the exit where the great “deceiver” stood, And turned the lights off, backed on in, and hooked the chain up good, Then slipped ‘er in to 4-wheel drive, and gave ‘er all she had. But that was when the evil plan I had went really bad. It must have rained the night before. I wound up getting stuck. And as the day was dawning - and they’d come to free my truck - I stood there taking tickets from a cop…and paying fines. He didn’t give a hoot about the two deceiving signs. But I would learn a lesson, and, my friend…I’ll tell you this; If you’re ever traveling - and your “cupcake” needs to…“go”… Don’t be fool enough to make her wait…it’s best to stop, But I will not forgive my wife for winking at that cop.