The monster within
The Monster within.
I woke up searching and gasping for air, hyperventilating unable to grasp the natural essence needed for life, oxygen, the cold sweat dripped down my neck and covered my brow, causing my teeth to chatter because of the 3am cool breeze, I couldn’t wrap myself in the comfort of the duvet yet, because of the grappling fear that struck my body as I attempted to draw in each heaving gasp. The shock had me sat bolt upright and rendered me immobile. My arms tingled with goosebumps, it had happened again the gasps began to turn into deep breaths my eyes still wild as I attempted to calm myself and return back to actual reality, it was just me myself and I in bed it was simply a bad dream, unfortunately it had been one I had lived and now it haunted me during the lonely long nights, again and again. Although this was a recurring nightmare I was forced to relive time and time again, I had not become any more use to from the ensue of events nor now having to relive it in my subconscious if anything this made it harder to deal with and accept. I drew my hands up to my sweaty neck and wrapped my fingers loosely over my throat, as I started into the abyss of darkness, as soon as my clammy fingers touched my throat I my chest heaved convulsing from the touch and I threw my hands back down into my lap. I closed my eyes and whispered sweet reassurances to myself, a couple of minutes passed I took one last deep breath filling my tight chest with as much off the morning air that I could manage and exhaled threw my nose, I had managed to convince my subconscious it was nothing but flash backs of that fateful night and I was indeed safe.
I was now wide awake, not that I wasn’t use to the lack of sleep now it had become a ceaseless repercussion of that night. I dragged myself to the beds edge sliding my legs out of the comfort of the warm, i wiped my face with my hands exhaling in relief that for now that ordeal was over i clambered to my feet, I didn’t realise how weak I was as my legs gave way and i tumbled into the chest of draws that caught my fall, I heaved myself back up, scrambling across the furniture to the patio doors, my hands were trembling so much I couldn’t turn the key to begin with, the frustration was building up inside me and tears escaped the corners of my eyes but finally it turned the click of it unlocking sounded so sweet, pulling it open took every ounce of strength left in me, the morning air hit my face, it felt incredibly cleansing as my sweat drenched body cooled, my shattered shell fell into the door as I slipped down it onto the floor, scooping my knees up into my arms, I rocked slowly from side to side in a desperate attempt to comfort myself, it took a while but i finally began to relax letting my legs fall onto the cool concrete floor, I reached into my pocket retrieving a pack of cigarettes I was still shacking so i used both hands to strike and steady the lighter as it sparked its fierce sparks of ambers and red, I breathed in the thick smoke and felt every element of my oesophagus as it danced down into my lungs the burn was welcoming and warm, when I exhaled all the worry and upset seem to stream out and the metaphorical drawstrings across my chest began to loosen.
The darkness was dwindling now as the sun exploded on the horizon turning the night into twilight. I looked around the garden and I could just make out the droplets of dew still lingering on the long blades of grass. The silence was eerily comforting, after months of venomous noise, but the lingering darkness brought the uneasy feeling of loneliness, worthlessness and the stench of betrayal and stupidity. This was by no means over and I knew that this chapter of my life had only begun and the road ahead was long and treaturouse the fear began to rise again from the pit of my stomach but I refused to cry about it anymore the only way I was going to get through this was by my own sheer strength and stubbornness not to fall victim again, but I had no idea what the near future would bring and that it would take every ounce of my entire being to get through it, I thought the worse was over but it would soon become clear that it was simply beginning.
I sat in my favourite spot for a while longer pondering, thinking about all that I had been through, with each drag of that sweet stick I calmed, before I new it morning had broken and the song of the sweet birds tweets brought a smile to my face, if only I could be as free as they were, I felt content and happy with there beautiful chirps as they chitter chattered to one another, dancing across the arms of the large birch tree. It wasn’t long before my best friend had realised I was no longer by his side and I soon felt the brush of his silky fur against my leg as he crawled into onto my goospimpled legs curling up into a tight ball on my lap, his head nestled as deep as he could possibly manage into the creases of my pyjamer shorts. I smile and looked at him adoringly he was currently my rock the reason I was still sticking around, I rested my hand on his head, strocking his soft ears and whispering sweet morning greetings to him, he always wanted to be by my side and knew exactly what to do when I am sad, I looked down at him and sighed in hoplesasness what are we going to do my furry friend. I lugged my ladened body up with the help of the door handle. I swayed a little as my head flew round the room. I ached all over and my face was throbbing something chronic, holding onto the furniture as I dragged my feet back across the bedroom into the bathroom, pulling the chord on the light, I was shocked at what stared back at me in the mirror, I didn’t even recognise myself, I couldn’t believe what I had become, I fell back onto the toilet seat with a thud as my trembeling fingers caressed my swollen, bruised and battered face, I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer they streamed down my face each one stinging the cuts and bruises, I couldn’t stop all the mental and physical pain I felt, had become to much to bare. I don’t know how long I was there sobbing to myself, as the mental turmoil began it crashed in to my mind with visual reminders of every spat venomous word, how I had come to attain each and every bruise upon my body. I hobbled into the front room and collapsed onto the sofa, I couldn’t bare the thought of opening the curtains after the previous nights events the last thing I wanted was the neighbours peering in and seeing what a state I was. I looked at the TV and decide against turning it on, even background noise wouldn’t deter me thoughts pounding in so I thought i might as well bow down to them. I curled up into myself like a terrified child, trying to make some sense of what had happened. It didn’t take long before I began to feel guilty what had I done it was all my fault, I suddenly became numb.
Chapter two the doorbell rang.
The door bell interrupted my thought process, I jumped out my skin I began to shake uncontrollably, who could it be I didn’t want to face anyone right now, it rang again followed by a stern voice calling me, I didn’t recognise the voice, my intrigue took over and I dragged myself to the door, spying through the eye spy I saw a man and female in suits stood on the doorstep, I began to unlock the chain and door it took longer than normal I couldn’t get the key into the key hole straight away my clammy hands were clumsy and unsteady, I pulled the door back just a crack enough to see the strangers in front of me, but concealing my Heidious black and purple face. I croaked through my bruised osephogus “Yes can I help you”
The women answered me a very formal strong voice “Miss Cope, I am detective Moore and this is my partner Detective Stevens, we are here to talk to you about the incidents that took place yesterday evening, can we come in please.
I was stunned how did they no what happened this was serious detectives were on my doorstep, what was going to happen, I cant talk to them I cant tell them the truth id cause more trouble, did I want anything to happen, I was still completely confused, my emotions were all over the place, the detectives were still staring at me so I reluctantly opened the door, I dropped my head in shame, but also because that is how I walked around these days, avoiding eye contact especially in the company of other men. I slowly walked back into the lounge with the detectives following as the door closed the light click of the lock made me cower in fear, it was a natural reaction these days. Dropping back into the sofa I recalled my manners I turned to the detectives to offer a beverage, praying they declined as I didn’t think I had the mental or physical strength to fulfill my offer. Ds Moore began to recalling the evenings events and although I could see her lips moving I couldn’t seem to concentrate or take in anything she was saying.
“ so miss cope we just want you reiterate the statement you gave to PC Mac last night, just to make sure you didn’t miss anything or if you have remembered anything else about the incident and to also get an idea of the previous few months as there have been a few previous incidents that the police attended” Ds Moore’s statement had managed to drag me back to reality and into the conversation. My mind flashed back to the very beginning, before any of this began, I never ever thought that this would be how it all ended, nor did I ever think it would ever end. How could I not recognize the signs, how stupid had I been and now here I am with two detectives sat in my front room interviewing me.
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