Attributes Of Animals - Chapter Two -
It's unclear in my mind like the grey sky above me, watching the world pass by this morning. Why is it this grey morning sky reminds me of baby birds. I can't hear any birds and I don't remember seeing any today. And now I wonder where they are and what's keeping them away? It's more of a memory I cant place and trying to piece the broken image back to a whole. A togetherness and one like this mornings grey skies and baby birds. I think of a damaged nest laying on the ground. An injured fledglings feathers all rustled and plucked in an horrific sight combined with the beauty of witnessing natures cruel side and her victims. The fledging's moving though unable to fly and barely alive, so I kneel down beside it and stroke him. My calm touch stops him shivering and I check his wings. He is the crow and he is the victim and this mornings wind his killer. This grey sky reminds me of grim and unwanted times I've led wide awake untill the beginning of a new day and it's been that new dawn that's been the constant reminder of something bad. When I was small they told me I shouldn't worry because of a movie quote from one of those, old classic movies like Casablanca or Gone with the wind or something. I think it went 'After all tomorrow is another day' I dont know what they meant by it? Maybe they meant 'Tomorrows no sorrow' or something like that. Maybe a wind swept flightless bird just reminds me to die or fight and I feel sad about the baby crow and this morning and that the bird will never learn to fly, or acquire It's skills or the knowledge with age to not eat one of those pretty berries you find on certain trees. You know the Jerusalem cherries, that if ingested cause gastric problems and fatalities and are mostly poisonous to animals? They're represented mainly by their bright red or orange autumn colours, like that of the Christmas Holly or Yew berries. Where their bright colours are aimed at animals like us that can see colours and can't resist the allure of a colourful, juicy-looking berry. Which make them a risky choice of houseplant to keep around if you have small children or pets because of the high content of toxic elements you should avoid as part of some seasonal eating. Maybe I'll eat one for the crows sake and his 'sorrow of no tomorrow', or, maybe because it's only one berry and not thirty and I remember that the injured crow is in my head and I'm imagining his short life and his wind swept experience before his morning worm and me kneeling down and stroking his wings as his healer and good Samaritan. Just in my head. Like faith, it's only in my head. Dealing with a case of good deed created merely from fantasy submerged deep inside somewhere within me, representing something I'll never understand. Something only I can manifest and believe it's been spawn by someone else, as if my dreams are in fact some other persons nightmares shifted across the boundaries of space and time for only me to pick up on and adopt as part of me, resulting in me being unclear on who I really am. Completely speechless and seen screaming at myself silently trying to identify the stranger in my bathrooms mirror and in a fearless and high speed struggle that's accelerated within me, myself and I's need to find our common ground. It leaves me exhausted and frustrated and I think how I won and felt lost by it, as if eventually winners finish last like slow and steady wins the race or something and as I walk alone I wonder what went wrong? As I walk I imagine things and real or not most are true to me and make me happy. Walking and just imagine to myself. Pondering over everything and nothing and hoping for great discussions over subjects unfamiliar to the unthinking and I stop. Lest confuse unthinking with being un-thoughtful, which have differences and therefore misconceptions negate my description of, one who is mainly - unreflecting - and again I stop. Finding my due deliberation in time after absence to return to my velvet shadow lands of comforts and securities after my tasks here are completed. So as I travel the few miles to my local shops, driven by need and reliant on the urge to escape to my safe haven, I can make it there unfailing and enter the shop and shop and speak. My negative imagery's broken as today I cope well and surprisingly I'm more positive as if some crippling pessimism has departed and taken the edge right off of feeling deathly anxious. 'It must be that killer breeze' and blackbird by the beetles starts playing in my head and it's joyful and I step and head up the street singing quietly to myself.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life,
You were only waiting for this moment to be free
It's quite nice being out though I can not wait to be home. This pleasant breeze and soft sunlight heat of the sun waking and rising from slumber and generating it's early light, helps stop the wanting to go to my place. It's good to be out. Agoraphobias' the wrong diagnosis but they'll call it what they want. Still no birds. I dont know what that means? No crows, no murders? I dont know? I've got these two magpies that show up every spring together. They chase each other around the trees and then migrate somewhere else sometime at the start of autumn. Always together. It's nice seeing the monogamy in a few species of animals you know? Their casual delight without desire for numerous sexual partners and remaining faithful to one partner for life. It reminds me of the connection between two souls absolutely content with each other eternally. Sounds cheesy and sweet and cute and mostly phony don't it? I like seeing the bonds that are created between two animals and that bond simultaneously helping both animals through tough times and support each other throughout the crap. Every animal has their own personality and individual characteristics and some even show human attributes just the same as human beings showing the behaviour of animals with traits separate to the valid characteristics of their own species instincts. You see it all the time throughout the kingdom it's incredible.
Despite todays good will I've come home. I followed the path through the fields and saw some dog walkers and stroked a few pooches on my way. That was cool. I might think about doing a volunteer dog walking thing in the future if I remember then but god knows, as I've arranged plans for my a** to see a lot more couch so we'll see. Life's just happening. 'It's all just happening'. That's what Criss says.
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