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Her thoughts

"""Guess, can you tell me what I've been through? 

A smile can be deceiving. A laugh can make you think "she's alright." 
Look me in the eye and tell me I lived a happy healthy life. Cause that's what I do to satisfy you. If I told you the truth, you would pitty me and I don't need your pitty nor your sympathy. 
You may have been through worse but I don't give a shit. Look me in the eye. Fucking look! You won't see anything but color. 
...
Can I tell you a secret? You have to promise to keep it. 
No. 
No I can't. If my life was a movie you would hate me. The things I've done and the things that were don't to me would disgust you. You would despise me! 
I hurt you know. 
I cry every night silently. To myself. I don't want my parents to hear me. Shit.... Did you know I never told them? I never told them what happened. Only once and they didn't talk for me for days. 
I never told them cause we are religious... We believe in God and you know... I think he left me... I think he turned away from me. That's why I've been so lost and confused. That's why weed became number one. It numbs me and I don't have to think about anything. I simply lose my mind and fade from the world. But how much longer. How much longer can I continue doing it until I start feeling the pain when I'm numb?  You know... I have this friend.. He cares about me. Even tells me he loves me. I told him almost everything. I didn't mind saying a few things cause if I did I would have cried... But even through it all he says he loves me... He doesn't know how much I want to cry when he says it. So I smile and say it back. Tears held back, tears that want to surface, don't come out. I don't want him to know how much it hurts. I don't want him to know that ever day I think about taking my life cause I feel so.... So worthless... Chruch became something I don't pay attention to because of my past. 
Ugh!!! My fucking past!!!! The one thing I would change if I was ever able too... Most people have it worse than me... I know they do... But... I don't even know how I've gone this far. I always say ill prove everyone wrong and show you that I'm not useless. That I can't do good in this world but they just see me as the girl that got fucked by her.... Her..... Her monster. The thing she can't look at anymore because every time she does she cries and runs away. 
I'm hurting you know. I really want to tell everyone why but this I'm sure you get what happened with the previous sentence. Good night."""

Copyright © julia chebukina | Year Posted 2017

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