Tom's Trashy Tid-Bits

Yes, folks, it's happened again; the trash compactor backed up and spewed out all the following nonsense; How come you only hear the term "scutch" in a hospital? "Come on scutch on over to the gurney.' And that word, gurney, sounds like a 12 year old baseball player. I don't get no respect!! Even the devil is trying to exorcize me from my home! And my mailman, he knows about my financial problems, he just tosses my bills in the trash, with a jolly smirk. I wanted to go to the Army to go to Irag- they said, yeah, sure, and they paid my fare to Osama Bin Laden's Camp! For Valentines' Day I get Sympathy cards!! I cook hot meals for my dog, but he won't eat them, after he sees how sick I get from them. I love thunder and lightning- everyone tells me If I get struck, it'll be my closest experience to being alive. I told my girlfriend, the ex-bride of Frankenfuter, that I ordered an organ. She said, "Good"- she's tired of feeling like a nun. Then she asked me to teach it to her brother!! This is true, and truely embarassing; no one ever told me how to put on a prophelactic- I unrolled it first. The torture was so bad I gave up sex for ten years. (And unfortunately, my potential partners extented that for another ten!) How come VCRs only work at 12:00? Every Ambulance I take, the drivers make me pull it! And they want me to carry them on the stretcher. Then there is that "Bath Fitter" commercial, it might be just local, I don't know...These guys put new plastic facings over tubs, shower walls, etc. But, what I don't seem to understand, this woman, homemaker, comments that she's so pleased, whenever she has company, or any visitors, the first thing she always does, and seemingly, ever did, upon their arrival, was to take them to her bathroom for a tour.....Am I missing something here? I sure ain't gonna' visit HER!!! She ought to be examined.... I always thought a parody was a talking bird with marginal school grades. And so we end for the night, sleep tight....