Jif Is a Terrorist! Skippy Was Only a Patsy!

-In 2008, a massive recall of peanuts thought to be contaminated with bacteria occured. Not very many people became ill, and only twenty percent of those that did were hospitalized. Only a handful died. It was a media frenzy.- Did you know? Did You hear? The tree nuts and peanuts have grown to sentience, no longer willing to live beneath a primate jack-boot they have armed themselves. They have made a resolve. Jihad! Now they terror-bomb their opressors, strapping ecoli and salmonella to their bodies and dying as heroes of the cause. Now they strike their targets without discrimination, for they are malicious little legumes, enemies of red blooded A-mericans everywhere. Never doubt their skill or persistant nature, or you could be next! Yes, you! Struck dead in your own home by these dangerous fundamentalists who are intolerant by their very nature. Now they align themselves with pistachios and raw eggs, and they plot their next series of attacks in their cupboard terror-den caves. Periodically, they release threatening videos to fox news, declaring an allout war on the morbidly obese. I for one am terrified. And there's more. Their Leader, "Mr. Peanut" is pure evil in a monocle, tophat spats and a cane. He smiles with malevolence at the running camcorder, where he vows to destroy all the rotund infidels, and all who violate his brothers in arms whom cower on supermarket shelves.