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Dear God, What's My Charge?

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Below is the poem entitled Dear God, What's My Charge? which was written by poet Jay Smith. Please feel free to comment on this poem. However, please remember, PoetrySoup is a place of encouragement and growth.

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Dear God, What's My Charge?

This poem is about how I feel the world has betrayed at most every turn.

I received my awakening,
About the age of three,
Too young for understanding,
Of why it was me.
A house full of roaches,
A room shared by four,
A floor thick with ashes,
A splintered front door.

At the age of three,
I cracked my head in the hall,
I asked my mom for a hug,
She slammed me into the wall.
Soon after this,
I was mauled by a Rott,
Just a random-found stray,
That tied my face in a knot.

Later that year,
My parents divorced,
Leaving me as,
A weakening force.
My mother moved away,
And took my baby sis,
Left the rest of family,
Without even a kiss.

Father was a drunk,
He hardly was capable,
Of nourishing his children,
So it was inescapable,
That CPS came,
Said, "Get it together",
I think then, he tries,
To make our lives better.

Months later, he drives,
To the grocery store,
Leaving us with babysitters,
He'd never done that before.
Next thing that I knew,
Banging at the door,
Two men with gold badges,
Yell, "Get on the floor!"

The babysitters dropped,
Hands behind head,
I thought my dad changed,
I see this instead.
I now see my father,
Glazed eyes, in handcuffs,
Police say its O.K.,
I see through their bluffs.

To my great-grandmother's,
On my father's side,
Her house was my new home,
A new place to reside.
Soon we moved again,
My father's dad's house next,
Everything was changing,
Life got more complex.

From this moment on,
I'm in therapy and day-treatment,
Being told there's something wrong,
Due to my prior maltreatment.
At my new house,
I gained a new brother,
Six years older than me,
I look up to him more than others.

Now seven years old,
In second grade,
Christmas is here!
My worst moment this decade.
Christmas day!
Playing with new toys,
My brother, and me
Running around just like boys,

I said, "This day's perfect!"
My brother shook his head,
He said, “No day's perfect."
Which filled me with dread,
The very next morning,
Grandma told my sisters and I,
"To the living room, kids.”
My heart jumps to the sky.

"Last night, your mother...
Shot herself twice...”
These words dropped like bombs,
So strong, so concise.
"She was rushed to the hospital,
And put on life support."
Though I learned that that morning,
They pulled the plug from its port.

Confused, miserable,
Depressed, distraught,
Why me? What'd I do?
A screaming, sobbing thought.
My life is a blur,
My pain is too large,
Is this life a punishment?
Dear God, What's My Charge?

Copyright © Jay Smith

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  1. Date: 3/23/2010 10:24:00 AM so sorry James...ive had a rough life you wen I get a chance :)

  1. Date: 3/2/2010 3:32:00 PM
    Omg, This is such an emotional poem, I understand this poem, I came from a life similar to this. I think you put it in words that are so amazing and really make it emotional for the reader that they start to cry. <3 Emily

  1. Date: 2/27/2010 4:04:00 PM
    This is so powerful, James. I only began writing poetry a few months ago, & I soon realized how very therapeutic it is to get these thoughts & feelings down & arranged within the structure of a poem. Your charge, dear James, is to learn compassion. forgiveness. It isn't a punishment, but your soul's lesson. That you are able to write so magnificently about your journey is a tremendous gift. Congratulations on your well deserved win. Blessings upon you as you continue on your path toward peace.

  1. Date: 2/26/2010 3:26:00 PM
    James, congratulations on your win in the contest. I don't know what to say to all this tragedy. I think sometimes God gives the hardest challenges to those He loves most. If you can face life and forge ahead doing your very best, surely something good will come to you. My best to you, Luv, Andrea

  1. Date: 2/26/2010 7:06:00 AM
    Congratulations on your win in Starflixer's Betrayal contest James. Love, Carol

  1. Date: 2/25/2010 5:36:00 PM
    The child in this poem was certainly in an unhappy situation. unfortunately there are many in this world who ask the same question. "What did I do to deserve this?" A great write James. well done...Margaret

  1. Date: 2/25/2010 1:38:00 PM
    wow james this is a heartbreaking story, that brought tears to my eyes, on the plus side it was a perfectly written poem in great form and i loved it. Jo

  1. Date: 2/25/2010 12:35:00 PM
    Congrats James on your winning poem in the Betrayal contest.. a wonderful win for a wonderful write from a wonderful poet.. truly an inspirational and moving piece of poetry...luv.. Linda-Marie "Sweetheart" of Poetry Soup..

  1. Date: 2/25/2010 12:27:00 PM
    My congratulations on your fantastic win in Adelana's "Betrayal" contest, James! This is definitely a winner..Peace, Audrey

  1. Date: 2/25/2010 12:09:00 PM
    Oh my, James, what a sad way to grow up. This is no way for any child to live. Congratulations on your win in the contest. God bless you, Carolyn

  1. Date: 2/18/2010 3:03:00 PM
    Sorry to hear what you've been through, James. It's quite common that we ask God "Why me?" when everything's against us. But coming to think of it, nobody has it all. Everything that happens in our lives happens for a reason. Maybe going through this made you stronger. And life can't treat you badly all along, things will get better. Just remember that life is about how you take the circumstances. I'm sure your harsh experience taught you a lot, which will enable you to lead a better life :)

  1. Date: 1/26/2010 11:00:00 AM
    This is really sad. I'm sorry to here about your troubles through out your life. Hopefully things will become much better for you as time goes on. -Courtney-

  1. Date: 1/23/2010 4:21:00 PM
    thank you for everything.

  1. Date: 1/20/2010 1:57:00 PM
    i understand (somewhat) how you feel. it is very intense and sad. this hurt will stay with you forever. it is wonderfully written. love how you wrote from your past self's perspective. keep writing! God Bless You!------Ell (p.s. Audrey's right about it all not being a punishment)

  1. Date: 1/16/2010 9:18:00 AM
    Dear James, All I can say is so very sorry for all the bad times you've had. But I believe it is not punishment from God because you did nothing wrong. I know one good thing is that you will write a new and better page for your children by the choices you make. And God does love you. Think about this. Count your blessings and you will see. Blessings! Peace, Audrey

  1. Date: 1/15/2010 3:37:00 PM
    Profound and compelling, the reality is, you are alive and the gift is life. Make peace with your past, it's not how we start, it's how we finish, All the best...Raul

  1. Date: 1/15/2010 3:28:00 PM
    I'm so sorry james that's just terrible. I have no idea how you feel and have no clue what to say to this except.. I don't know. Sorry. Stay strong love~Brittany

  1. Date: 1/15/2010 1:56:00 PM
    tears flood my eyes as the pain penetrates my flesh. i ask God, can you heal this child of yours of all of this? are you listening? will you grant my wish? i'll never understand why dear James deserved any of this. open his eyes, dear God, just take off the blinds, relinquish the pain, give him the strength to look forward to a new day. heal his past wounds, repair his heart, his mind. It's his time to make a name in this world. Dear James, press on.