Home » Poems » Isaiah Zerbst » A Beautiful Moment- Rewrite

A Beautiful Moment- Rewrite

Here is the original in quatrain form: A swan did sail so gracefully Around a crystal lake Such whiteness pure I ne'er did see It almost could be fake What peaceful calm, what portrait clear 'Tis heav'n on earth I see If only I could linger here For all eternity And here is the rewrite: A swan sailed about Gracefully on a clear lake White plumage shining brightly. A moment of peace A crystal portrait of calm A glimpse of heaven on earth. If only it could Remain this way forever Unbroken by passing time.

Post Comments

Poetrysoup is an environment of encouragement and growth so only provide specific positive comments that indicate what you appreciate about the poem.

Please Login to post a comment

Poet Destroyer A

Date: 5/1/2013 6:04:00 PM

Isaiah, Congratulations :-) In Debbie's "Metamorph" contest. always~ PD

Abdulhafeez Oyewole

Date: 4/28/2013 10:03:00 AM

Congrats on your win Isaiah~A.O

Andrea Dietrich

Date: 4/28/2013 12:42:00 AM

Hey, I see you won Deb's contest. Way to go. I just liked both poems equally well!!!

Debbie Guzzi

Date: 4/25/2013 3:55:00 PM

Congrad's on your win. Light & Love

Mandy Tams The Golden Girl

Date: 4/25/2013 10:21:00 AM

Many congratulations Isaiah , well done xx

Heather Ober

Date: 3/28/2013 7:53:00 AM

Awesome job with this contest, Isaiah! I can't decide which version I like better. I am particularly taken with the line: "A crystal portrait of calm."

Ilene Bauer

Date: 3/27/2013 4:01:00 PM

as a rhymer, i'm partial to the first version, which is pretty close to perfect . however, i like the rewrite, too and can see how some would prefer it (but not me!). it's an interesting exercise, though...

Charmaine Chircop

Date: 3/27/2013 12:10:00 PM

I love both versions..i love the ending of your rewrite better and i love the use of the word plumage : )to my favs

Suzanne Delaney

Date: 3/27/2013 11:58:00 AM

It is lovely to play with words and it is true. Some forms give magic to a story and an exercise like this is probably worth doing with every poem we have to be certain we have found the right form as it works on the brain at different levels. It is also a good exercise to try and rewrite a famous poem and capture the essence of the original poet. Well done Isiah...I really like reading your work. Hugs, SuZ

Russell Sivey

Date: 3/27/2013 9:40:00 AM

This is a fantastic transformation from one poem to the other! I really enjoyed reading the revised poem and comparing it to the original! You have done awesomely with this piece, what a delightful poem, Great work!!