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A Beautiful Moment- rewrite

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Below is the poem entitled A Beautiful Moment- rewrite which was written by poet Isaiah Zerbst. Please feel free to comment on this poem. However, please remember, PoetrySoup is a place of encouragement and growth.

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A Beautiful Moment- rewrite

   Here is the original in quatrain form:    

       A swan did sail so gracefully
       Around a crystal lake
       Such whiteness pure I ne'er did see
       It almost could be fake

       What peaceful calm, what portrait clear
       'Tis heav'n on earth I see
       If only I could linger here 
       For all eternity

  And here is the rewrite:

      A swan sailed about
      Gracefully on a clear lake
      White plumage shining brightly.
      A moment of peace
      A crystal portrait of calm
      A glimpse of heaven on earth.
      If only it could
      Remain this way forever
      Unbroken by passing time.

Copyright © Isaiah Zerbst

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  1. Date: 5/1/2013 6:04:00 PM
    Isaiah, Congratulations :-) In Debbie's "Metamorph" contest. always~ PD

  1. Date: 4/28/2013 10:03:00 AM
    Congrats on your win Isaiah~A.O

  1. Date: 4/28/2013 12:42:00 AM
    Hey, I see you won Deb's contest. Way to go. I just liked both poems equally well!!!

  1. Date: 4/25/2013 3:55:00 PM
    Congrad's on your win. Light & Love

  1. Date: 4/25/2013 10:21:00 AM
    Many congratulations Isaiah , well done xx

  1. Date: 3/28/2013 1:41:00 PM
    Isaiah, this is sensational! I really love both versions and the form you chose for the rewrite is really unique- a form I don't think I have seen before! Very well done, I am inspired to try out this contest! Best of luck to you, although, you won't need it! :)

  1. Date: 3/28/2013 7:53:00 AM
    Awesome job with this contest, Isaiah! I can't decide which version I like better. I am particularly taken with the line: "A crystal portrait of calm."

  1. Date: 3/27/2013 4:01:00 PM
    as a rhymer, i'm partial to the first version, which is pretty close to perfect . however, i like the rewrite, too and can see how some would prefer it (but not me!). it's an interesting exercise, though...

  1. Date: 3/27/2013 12:10:00 PM
    I love both versions..i love the ending of your rewrite better and i love the use of the word plumage : )to my favs

  1. Date: 3/27/2013 11:58:00 AM
    It is lovely to play with words and it is true. Some forms give magic to a story and an exercise like this is probably worth doing with every poem we have to be certain we have found the right form as it works on the brain at different levels. It is also a good exercise to try and rewrite a famous poem and capture the essence of the original poet. Well done Isiah...I really like reading your work. Hugs, SuZ

  1. Date: 3/27/2013 9:40:00 AM
    This is a fantastic transformation from one poem to the other! I really enjoyed reading the revised poem and comparing it to the original! You have done awesomely with this piece, what a delightful poem, Great work!!

  1. Date: 3/27/2013 9:40:00 AM
    I hope I won't upset you Zoro, but I love the first version better, it clung to my heart, have a great day, love xxx