Isaiah Zerbst | + Follow Poet |
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A Beautiful Moment- Rewrite

Here is the original in quatrain form:    

       A swan did sail so gracefully
       Around a crystal lake
       Such whiteness pure I ne'er did see
       It almost could be fake

       What peaceful calm, what portrait clear
       'Tis heav'n on earth I see
       If only I could linger here 
       For all eternity

  And here is the rewrite:

      A swan sailed about
      Gracefully on a clear lake
      White plumage shining brightly.
      A moment of peace
      A crystal portrait of calm
      A glimpse of heaven on earth.
      If only it could
      Remain this way forever
      Unbroken by passing time.

Copyright © Isaiah Zerbst | Year Posted 2013

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Poet Destroyer A Date: 5/1/2013 6:04:00 PM Isaiah, Congratulations :-) In Debbie's "Metamorph" contest. always~ PD Login to Reply

Abdulhafeez Oyewole Date: 4/28/2013 10:03:00 AM Congrats on your win Isaiah~A.O Login to Reply

Andrea Dietrich Date: 4/28/2013 12:42:00 AM Hey, I see you won Deb's contest. Way to go. I just liked both poems equally well!!! Login to Reply

Debbie Guzzi Date: 4/25/2013 3:55:00 PM Congrad's on your win. Light & Love Login to Reply

Mandy Tams The Golden Girl Date: 4/25/2013 10:21:00 AM Many congratulations Isaiah , well done xx Login to Reply

Heather Ober Date: 3/28/2013 7:53:00 AM Awesome job with this contest, Isaiah! I can't decide which version I like better. I am particularly taken with the line: "A crystal portrait of calm." Login to Reply

Ilene Bauer Date: 3/27/2013 4:01:00 PM as a rhymer, i'm partial to the first version, which is pretty close to perfect . however, i like the rewrite, too and can see how some would prefer it (but not me!). it's an interesting exercise, though... Login to Reply

Charmaine Chircop Date: 3/27/2013 12:10:00 PM I love both versions..i love the ending of your rewrite better and i love the use of the word plumage : )to my favs Login to Reply

Suzanne Delaney Date: 3/27/2013 11:58:00 AM It is lovely to play with words and it is true. Some forms give magic to a story and an exercise like this is probably worth doing with every poem we have to be certain we have found the right form as it works on the brain at different levels. It is also a good exercise to try and rewrite a famous poem and capture the essence of the original poet. Well done Isiah...I really like reading your work. Hugs, SuZ Login to Reply

Russell Sivey Date: 3/27/2013 9:40:00 AM This is a fantastic transformation from one poem to the other! I really enjoyed reading the revised poem and comparing it to the original! You have done awesomely with this piece, what a delightful poem, Great work!! Login to Reply