Sucker For Pain

It all started at a young age The love I had for my parents only went one way They were too drunk to ever care about their own son Maybe I'm a sucker for pain because its what I've grown from Parents shouting while drunk as I lay in the corner crying as a baby Smashing plates, spending their money on alcohol so they had no food to plate me Got took into foster families never did I feel welcome Going through hell without my parents to help some 27 foster families before I turned twelve Sitting in my room alone wondering how can I earn help? Days spent listening to Eminem at full volume, At night I was crying in my pillow Hoping for a better tomorrow as I stared out of my window 5 days before I turned 15 my biological sperm donor left the earth He was never there so It was no loss to me, so I didn't even feel any hurt Depression came and got a grasp of me and wouldn't let go Picked up a blade and started self-harming, wearing long sleeves so it wouldn't show Wearing my Eminem hoody daily trying my best to be him Social workers and care staff not knowing I was using a blade on my own skin My coping mechanism caused me to bleed but feel good Spent a lot of my time wondering what it would be like to feel love Sleeping with numerous girls at the same time It was just sex to me even if I told them they were mine It was the wrong thing to do, but it helped me to survive I used to want to be rid of the pain, but now I need it in my life I've become so used to it, I don't know how to cope without it Addicted to my own heartbreak, my scars are my favourite outfit 5 years clean from self-harm, but I sacrifice any relationship I get in I'll love the girl, but leave and have her saying I wish I never met him Push her away, because I can't deal with the intimacy or closeness I'm going to be judged by a lot of people because I wrote this If my parents gave me a hug maybe I wouldn't be this way Maybe I'm like this now, and my happily ever after is just a kiss away From a girl I'm yet to meet Who will heal me and get the best of me But I've got a lot of working to do because I'm a sucker for pain I wear my scars with pride, because I'm in love with being hurt, it's something I can't explain