No One Knows

As I stand here looking in the mirror at the woman looking back at me, it’s there written in her eyes all the secrets that her mind and heart keeps It’s written all over the lines on her once beautiful face, the toll that the stress has caused over the years from all of her shame, her disgrace And it has a name one that runs on repeat in her head day after daunting day, an eclipse of a face that she longs to still touch but time has washed the vision away She just stands there looking into eyes that once shined so bright with love so true, but that was long ago before she got entangled in the web that was you See most people don’t know the real her the person hidden behind the disguise, the one who holds her shame to her so tight that is drenched with nothing but unending lies They don’t know that deep within her soul there is a darkness that shrouds the outer light that she forces to shine, they can’t see how hard she has to fight to keep the guilt inside The guilt that grips her so tight that sometimes she is almost unable to breathe, but she smiles through the pain she deserves the tightness in her chest that she feels, she deserves no peace See what they don’t know is that I am a terrible person not the sweet façade that they look upon, if they only knew the truth that I am nothing but a fraud They don’t know that once long ago that I sinned with a married man, that I thought I was different, and I could change his plans They don’t know that I was once so enamored that I gave everything within me away, to a person that promised me all of his tomorrows but couldn’t see past those yesterdays That I didn’t care enough about myself that I took what he would give, that I let myself be bathed in nothing but unforgivable sin That I knew I was doing wrong but in the moment it all felt so right, and that after the glow wore off, I still was able to sleep through the night They don’t know that the girl who listens to their stories and gives them advice, that she shouldn’t be the one that they turn to in their time of strife That she isn’t a good person that she only puts up a front, that deep down she is the scum of the earth and beneath it she should rot That the woman that they see and believe that she has it all together, is really a woman that used to believe in love and fairytales and forever The woman that they want to be like because they believe that she is so good, is really just a phony a person if they only knew the things that she has done That she has tried to convince herself that he is the one to blame, that she did nothing wrong, it is he who should be ashamed But all the patronizing and tears won’t get me anywhere, see I am nothing but a mistress, a mistake that was made, someone’s once long-ago affair Someone’s vacation from their daily life, someone’s sounding board to throw off on, someone’s warm body to hold close to them when they were tired of being alone But then I am also someone’s enemy, someone’s broken promise, someone’s unwanted tears, someone’s insecurity and sadly someone’s biggest fear That is who I really am when I look in the mirror at me, just the villain to one woman that sadly doesn’t even know of me I don’t know what is worse that she does or doesn’t know, a part of me feels like maybe she’s better off not knowing but either way it is my road to hoe I don’t envy her pain because I imagine deep down, she knows the truth, she may not have a face to put to the suspicion but when I look in the mirror I do I see someone who ruined another’s life all because I was told lies, and all the while I never considered her feelings because I thought I was winning the prize And this prize what did I really get a scarlet letter scorched into my chest, if only it were that easy to see the enemy and know there stands a regret A regret to not only the one you wronged but a regret to all of those in her shoes, the ones who have done nothing wrong but were treated like they were old news I once thought I had it all because this man he sinned with me, but all that he did was dig my grave that I can’t escape from where it’s cold and filled up with bitter lies and a disguise that only I know what lies beneath So, when I look in the mirror and contemplate, I often wonder do they do the same? Does he hate the person that he now sees, and does she question herself as well and seek who is to blame? I hope that she doesn’t, I pray that she knows her soul is so much better than my own, because she isn’t the one in the wrong that is I and I alone.