In Lieu of the Rodeo

Oh cripes I’ve gotta tell yer of a horror ride I had, That beat any bronc or bull I’ve rode, and I must say I’m glad, I’ll never have to ride like that, again to hold me seat. Now rodeo is ‘kiddies’ stuff compared to what I beat. I’d been knockin’ ‘round the circuit an’ was headin’ to the ‘Hill’. I was lookin’ out for action ‘cause I had some time to kill, So I called to see a mate o’ mine, an’ he turned on a spree, But grog, peanuts and pickled onions don’t agree with me. I s’pose it was ‘round midnight, I stirred in his shearers hut. I woke up hearing grumblin’ an’ it was comin’ from me gut, So I thought I better visit the house that’s up the back. Me head was pretty ‘woosy’ an’ it was a wobbly track. But I settled down to do the job contented on the throne; Suddenly the still was broke an’ trees began to moan, The flamin’ breeze began to roar into a mighty squall, An’ branches broke, an’ iron crashed against the dunny wall. The dunny started moving and was leaning to one side, Just like the chute gate opened and I’m goin’ for a ride, One second I was bolt upright, and now I’m on me head, I was clinging on a winner, and then we hit the shed. The dunny spun a circle and the dunny roll shot free, An' wrapped itself around me neck an’ damn near strangled me. Bloody redbacks started flying from their secret hidin’ place, An' I reckon that a hundred were clingin’ to me face. Then a resident old taipan who’d been dozing in the rafter Was flamin’ blamin’ me for this creation of disaster, It was snapping in the turmoil at me hands and at me feet, But let me tell you hear and now. I held on to that seat. For nothing on this flamin’ earth would ever get to throw, Me from this position, ‘cause I know what’s down below, So when the twisting dunny bounced off a coupla’ trees, I had me ankles ‘round me ears and me head between me knees. Even then above the din I could hear the constant hum, From a hundred thousand blowflies bouncing off me bum. But let me tell you once again, it’ll be a mighty feat, For just one of them blowies to get past me on the seat. An' then just like it started, the wind subsided in the night, But I’m further up the track in the dunny back upright. I’m battered, bruised and bitten, still clinging to the seat, So at the rodeo ‘tomorra’… I’ll still be smelling sweet.