Dining With the Refined

I hate wearing flamin’ suits and I hate wearing rotten ties, but if eating in a ‘glitzy’ restaurant, then I have to realize, I can’t go wearing shorts and singlets or my best pair of thongs, and can’t go getting rotten drunk or sing Kevin Wilson songs. I have to act all ‘haughty-taughty’ when I’m ordering me tea. Oh yeah, in there they call it dinner but it ain’t lunch to me, and I have to read a francais menu written in some fancy scroll, where nothing looks like ‘dimmies’ or a scrumptious chicko roll. And this ‘geezer’ asks me ‘bout a drink. And I sez “Yeah a beer”. “Oh sorry sir” he answers back - “We don’t serve beer in here. This restaurant has too much class for those without refine. Now I ask you sir and madam would you like a glass of wine?” The missus tightly grabbed me hand and glared into me face. She knew my next reaction would; see us kicked out of the place. So she answered with refinement “No thank you sir”, but it’s a trap! This mongrel opened up a ‘hanky’ and started fiddling in me lap. “Hello” I thought ‘what’s going on? They won’t serve a bloke a beer, but they’ll send some ‘groper’ out and let him go acting *****’. Me hairy paw was near the floor and his target jaw did jut; I was just about to let him have it with a king size upper cut. Then something happened at the table that was right next to ours. This bloke who had been watching us sort of shrinks and cowers. Then he leant hard against his chair, sliding from it on his back. “Struth” I said to the missus - “That bloke’s just had a heart attack”. And the woman he was with just carried on like nothing’s wrong. She just didn’t seem to notice that the bloke she’s with had gone. I whispered to the ‘missus’. “She must be blind if she don’t know”. So I said we ought to help her so I smiled and said “Hello”. Then I started making conversation just to see if she’d unwind, but she was fidgety and anxious, and I could see she wasn’t blind. “Do you realize” I said, “Your husband slid down on the floor?” “Actually” she whispered - “My husband just walked through the door”.