Childhood Trauma In a Grown Man

Childhood trauma living inside of a grown man Sorry if I seem shut off and don't want to hold hands I understand if you don't want to stand next to me with my cold stance But there's childhood trauma still living inside this grown man Decade old wounds still bleeding with new ones on top Feels like I'm on the right journey but got off at the wrong stop fell multiple times with no one there to pick me up Some see my scars and are so quick to judge It's a surprise these suicidal thoughts didn't take me yet Tattoos covering scars, hoping you don't think they make me less I'm so guarded I struggle to open my heart naturally I turn into Lisandro Martinez when people start attacking me My hidden trauma tries to rise even on my good days My flaws shine more than my good traits I was wrong for using girls to heal scars they didn't cause I should have been honest about the fact I was fighting hidden wars The past few years I've been looking after my Mom who never raised me I had the strength to rebuild a relationship despite being a foster care baby I never thought that I'd be in this position Am I doing it for her, or to try and find what's still missing? I'm trying to heal from old wounds that are still bleeding I'm sorry to the people I care about even if we're not speaking I understand if you don't want to stand next to me with my cold stance But there's childhood trauma still living inside this grown man